Archive of Our Own ^beta

The pressure of her heart beating rigidly against her chest was almost suffocating her.

Fiddling with the seatbelt, in hopes of making the act of breathing easier, she tried taking a deep inhale to calm her nerves, which did literally nothing. Robin's fingers tightened around the package in her lap.

Why was she so goddamn nervous?

It wasn't the first time they celebrated their own little Christmas party after all. The first time, a few months after the Starcourt debacle, she couldn't believe her ears, when Dustin had invited Steve and her to join a spontaneous Christmas-dinner-hangout with the whole group.

"Are the others okay with that..?", she had asked cautiously, just to be sure. The last thing she had wanted to do was intrude on a get-together of life-long best friends.

Dustin had looked at her incredulously, as if she had just insulted him right to his face.

"Of course they are! You're one of us now", he'd grinned with that genuine smile of his. She'd mirrored his expression, realizing that maybe, maybe, this could be the start of truly belonging to a group, rather than her own, lone company. Plus Steve.

Steve had leaned into her then, whispering, "Nobody said this was something positive", which earned him a slap on the arm from his child best friend.

For the first few hours in the Wheeler's basement, she had clung unobtrusively to Steve's side at all times.

Since the Byers had moved to California, their christmas hangout had only consisted of Dustin, Erica and Lucas, Max and Mike, Steve and herself.

Nancy had only come down once, chatting shortly with Max and Dustin. She and Steve had talked for a few minutes too, mostly smalltalk, while Robin sat uncomfortably next to Steve, fiddling with her rings.

Yeah, Nancy had greeted her, smiled at her, and said goodbye to both of them, but that had been it. Robin had been certain Nancy hadn't been very fond of her at that time.

Whenever the party decided to hang out after that, Nancy had mostly kept to herself, naming some lame excuses, Mike had already forgotten, when Steve and Robin had asked him about it. Their meetings had only been short-lived anyways, since the boys were head over heels with their newly made friends from their DnD group at school.

Robin and Max had been sitting together at lunch for some time, because the girl wasn't keen on joining their friends' DnD obsession, Robin supposed.

However, that changed brisky, as Max decided to slowly but steadily avoid all of them, including Robin, shutting herself off.

So, their hangouts had ended up containing only Steve and herself, which was nothing special, since the two of them had been spending every free minute of each day together anyways.

The first real time she'd spent time with Nancy had been in the library during their research on Victor Creel. Their togetherness had started with an awkward ambience, in which Robin had felt the way Nancy's annoyance with her had only grown by each passing minute - even though Robin had had no idea what she had done to get her into such a sour mood.

The next couple days, everything had taken an 180° turn.

From letting Nancy dress her up completely out of her comfort zone, fleeing from Pennhurst, fighting an interdimensional evil wizard together, to declaring their friendship for official in the woods - they were now each others anchor.

Robin hadn't been sure what Nancy'd thought about it, but she'd known one thing crystal clear: She would trust Nancy with her life. And not only because she had already saved her more than once.

Because of this, she'd been spending half her time the past few months, with Steve, and the other half with her new girl-friend.

Hawkins had been destroyed, and it took the military probably too much time and too many nerves to block off the huge cuts between the human existence and the Upside-Down.

Since Nance, her and Jonathan had graduated from school - There'd been no ceremony; the town was burning. Literally - they had a lot of free time to spend.

While most of that time went into sprucing up the newly-abandoned Radio Station WSQK, and planning the next upcoming crawl, the remaining moments were spent two by two, just Nancy and Robin.

Their regular hangouts almost felt like a reward to Robin. She finally got the chance to pause, experience a second of peace, and breathe properly again.

Nancy felt the same way, she had revealed to her one night, as they were laying next to one another on the bone-dry grass of her front lawn. Normally they would've chilled on the roof right outside her window, but they had been stripped of their roof-rights (as if they ever really had had them), when Karen caught them tumbling in through Nancy's window once, both girls having been more intoxicated as they'd planned to get.

At least Robin wouldn't need to worry about falling off the roof anymore.

Almost no empty space between them, the two had been facing each other, when Robin had smiled coyly and turned to avert her gaze back onto the night sky, searching for the familiar constellations. Out of the corner of her eye, she'd watched Nancy blink and follow suit.

Robin had tried to control her breathing that night, to make the deep blush disappear from her face, and to not think about Nancy's lips having been in such close proximity to her own. 

It had been the first time she had truly, evidently realized how often her mind would swerve off to think of Nancy..

The glow in her eyes everytime she figured something out, or the way her lips became all thin and taut when absorbed in her writing.

Her gorgeous brown curls, which would sometimes end up in Robin's face during their sleepovers, and that she didn't dare move away, since that was the only valid excuse for her to close her eyes and inhale the faint scent of honey and Nancy.

Those moments where she was beyond fucked off by Jonathan and Steve, and she'd turn towards Robin, grabbing her by the sleeve and leaving with her, as if Robin was the only person she needed to stay by her side.

God, she'd stay by her side forever if Nance would allow her to.

But those ever increasing, never subsiding feelings would, under no circumstances, see the end of the day. Those silly feelings of her confused mind would not ruin her only friendship with a girl her age.

A friendless loser lesbian, finally finds a female friend, who she spends a lot of time with, and immediately falls in love with her? How pathetic could someone be?

No, those feelings would not ruin this for her. For both of them. They needed each other.

On top of that, Nancy still had no idea that the girl she regularly was letting sleep next to her in bed was a full blown lesbian.

Everytime Robin's mind drifted off to a possible scenario of telling Nancy the truth, she either ended up wanting to cry - or throw up - or being hopelessly delusional, which she then would realize, and start sobbing about that.

No, she couldn't take the risk of losing her.

Even if it was selfish, and unfair to Nancy.

She needed her. And she would not let this friendship break apart if she could do anything to prevent it from happening.

However, the tiniest of voice in the back of her head kept reminding her, how much more comfortable and free she'd feel around her. Not having to fear accidentally letting something slip. Not needing to bite her tongue when watching a movie with her, holding back a comment of how hot Molly Ringwald was. Sharing thoughts with someone other than Steve for once. One person more who accepted her for who she really was.

Or not.

The fear of Nancy's reaction overweighted the desire to open up completely and the chance to finally let herself be fully seen.

"Robs? You okay?", Steve averted his eyes from the street and onto his friend for a moment. He didn't receive any response other than a distant "Mhm", while she continued staring out the window.

He furrowed his brows, "What?"

"What?"

"Are you okay??", he pushed once more.

The girl shook her head out of the trance, and back to the here and now and nodded.

"Oh yeah, yes sure. Of course! Perfectly fine", she started babbling. Why was she incapable of answering a simple yes or no question with a simple yes or no?

Forehead creasing, Steve glanced sideways at her, the slightest hint of a smirk forming on his face.

"What's going on in that brain of yours again?"

"I have no idea", she grumbled, letting her head fall against the headrest with a small thud.

"You sure about that?"

Yes.

This wasn't about her.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nance", he stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Fuck.

"I know it's related to her"

Robin blinked at him for a few seconds, unable to come up with something to say.

Yeah sure, the two of them could communicate without using words, always knowing what the other one wanted to express. But was the dingus able to read her mind now, too?!

"Why would you think that?"

"Am I wrong?"

Ugh. Why not simply answer her question, instead of being so damn complacent about being right. Which he obviously was not!

Or yes, maybe he was right.

Yes, she was thinking about Nancy.

Yes, she had been thinking about her the past few months, most likely even every second of every day, every day of every damn month.

And yes, those thoughts had been plaguing her ever since that damn night on the Wheeler's front lawn, when her subconcious finally decided to enlighten Robin about the crush she had developed on her best girl-friend.

Yes, she was feeling like a total creep all the time, and yes, she couldn't tell Steve about any of this, because she knew he still liked her, it was obvious, and Nancy was his ex. Wasn't there like a basic friendship policy to not go after each other's exes?

Shit, why did it even matter? It wasn't like Robin had an actual chance of anything romantic happening between Nancy and her.

But still - everytime she was ready to open up to her best friend, her throat would close up and she became a quivering mess that couldn't get out any proper words.

She wasn't only being a total freak to Nancy, she was also betraying Steve.

Suddenly it dawned on her why 'having a crush' and 'falling for someone' were called like that; because developing romantic feelings for someone felt like falling hard onto your face, and getting crushed completely under the emotions that were constantly tormenting you. 

Letting out a surrendering sigh, Robin traced the edges of the gift in her lap contemplatively.

Steve wouldn't really know about her secret crush, though.

He wouldn't... Right?

"I..I'm, uh- Just worrying she.. uhm, might not like her present.. And I already dropped the package twice today and I just noticed there's a hole in the wrapping paper now, which she'll totally notice and probably think, 'oh wow, Robin didn't even put in any effort, that's how much I mean to her', which is obviously bullshit, because if that was the case my present would have to be a goddamn flawless masterpiece...", she trailed off, noticing the way the smirk on Steve's face continued to grow.

Curse her fucking mouth, why couldn't she just shut up.

Crossing her arms, she shot the boy a glare.

"Shut up"

"I didn't say anything", he noted bemused; yet that annoying grin remained on his face.

"That fucking gleam in your eyes is saying enough."

He turned to argue with her, slightly swiveling off their side of the street.

"Eyes on the road!", Robin hit his arm, and leaned back into her seat.

"Same with that smirk of yours", she grumbled after a few seconds, wiping the said smirk off Steve's face. Though when she turned to glance at him a few moments later, the goddamn smirk was even bigger than before.

"Hi", Holly said indifferently as she opened the door, closely followed by Nancy.

Robin smiled, and Steve did a sort of awkward wave, considering his hands were occupied with carrying around a dozen presents.

"Hey, littlest Wheeler", her eyes turned to meet Nancy's, and she swallowed as her eyes took her in. How could anyone be this beautiful?

"Hey Nance"

"Hi", the girl grinned, opening the door wide enough to let them enter. Holly turned on her heels and sprinted off to the living room, already bored by their interaction.

"You..you look great.. I mean- That dress looks great on you.. better than great actually! The dress, it's.. It's pretty", she stumbled over her words, and also almost to the ground, as Steve pushed past her, not wanting to stand in the freezing cold any longer.

"C'mon Robs, you can go on about how pretty Nancy's dress is when we're safe from freezing to death", he huffed behind the tower of gifts in his arms.

She shot him a deathly glare, but let him pass by her, before she shut the door behind her. Her cheeks were most likely flushed, given how flustered she was acting already..

She'd write it off to the cold weather.

"Thank you", Nancy smiled, taking Robin's coat to hang it up. "I think it's a bit over the top to be honest, but mom bought it for me, and she was so enthusiastic about it. I couldn't say no."

She turned to face her again, now looking directly into Robin's eyes.

"Oh", Robin laughed awkwardly. "Well.. it does look nice. With that shimmery effect.."

Just like her eyes.

Her eyes were like a magnetic force, the only pole Robin was attracted to no matter where she was. No matter the scenery, no matter who else was there, no matter how pretty her clothes looked on her.. It always were Nancy's eyes Robin found herself getting lost in.

A loud thud, followed by another smaller one, made her come out of the daze that was Nancy's proximity.

The girls' heads turned at the sound, finding Steve who tried to get his jacket off while still holding onto the presents.. minus two, which had fallen to the ground during his hassle.

"Such a dingus", Robin muttered.

"Ah yes? A little help would be appreciated, Robin!"

She cringed, stepping over to take some of the packages. "Sorry"

"Are the others already here?"

Nancy nodded, while hanging Steve's jacket onto the rack. "Except for Lucas and Erica."

"Great, let's get down then-", Steve started, but was cut off on an instant by his best friend. "Yeah better hurry, before you drop all the presents"

Nancy shook her head, biting back a smile as she followed them to the basement, listening to their bickering. Those two really behaved like two puppies of the same litter.

"Ho Ho Ho", Robin exclaimed in a deep voice, as she entered the basement. "Listen up fellow child friends, here comes Steve "Santa Claus" Harrington, bringer of joy and hope, and also, presents!"

Mike and Dustin eyed each other, while Will couldn't hold back a chuckle.

"I honestly expected him to come down here in full costume"

"Oh trust me, I tried. Dingus just wouldn't budge", Robin hopped off the last step and shrugged.

"Yeah yeah, such a spoilsport, can anyone help me now before I drop yall's presents?"

The boys stepped to help him, setting all the presents under the small christmas tree, next to the ones already waiting to be torn open.

Robin took a whole 360°, taking in the entirety of the basement in its full christmas glory.

Draped over the stair banisters and the walls were garlands of pine and holly, as well as carefully-made, colorful paper chains. Some strings of warmly shining fairy lights lit up the ceiling, bringing the perfect atmosphere. The beautifully decorated christmas tree was placed in the center of it all, a huge star put on its top. At the other end of the room stood a table, displayed with all kinds of different foods and drinks, as well as Christmas-themed napkins and ornaments, all amidst soft candlelight. 

It was honestly breathtaking.

Robin turned to Nancy who was already standing by her side, seemingly wanting to see her reaction.

"Who-who prepared all this?"

Nancy shrugged. "I mean, they all helped. Mom, Joyce, Mike, Will and Jonathan and-"

"You?"

Her eyes followed Nancy's faraway gaze to the kids.

"I thought they deserved a night to forget about everything that has happened.. Even if it's just for a moment."

"That's- All this..", Robin motioned at the room. "It's incredible. No, actually mind-blowing. I don't know about the others, but it definitely worked for me."

They shared a warm smile.

Nancy's hand brushed against the other girl's arm, as she murmured,"Im glad. Thank you."

Internally frozen in place, Robin begged her face to stay relaxed. The sudden touch prickled hot against her skin, even though she was wearing a rather thick sweater.

How could one be so completely and utterly enamored that even the tiniest brush of contact made her freeze, and glow as red as the christmas ornaments?

Thankfully, Nancy didn't seem to have noticed. With another quick squeeze of her arm she motioned to the others with her head. Robin nodded, her eyes automatically following the girl of her dreams as she strode to the group and helped arranging the presents under the tree. She truly looked like a princess tonight.

A knight in princess gown?

An armored princess?

A badass princess.

Robin took a second to exhale deeply. Had she been holding her breath all this time? On their own, her fingers moved upwards to the place Nancy's hand had laid a minute ago. She gulped down the lump in her throat.

It was just a squeeze.

Just a little, friendly squeeze.

Calm the fuck down Robin, you're making a fool of yourself.

Her gaze wandered to Mike and El, who were arm in arm, the girl leaning against him as if he was the only force holding her upright. She smiled up at him, with a loving shimmer in her eyes, as her boyfriend continued talking animatedly about.. something. His hand found hers swiftly and their fingers intertwined without a care in the world.

Robin couldn't really decipher anything they were talking about, thanks to the overwhelming buzzing in her ears.

The soft rustling of a vinyl reverberated through the area, and with that, music began to play. Something she recognized to be an old christmas song. Calm, soothing notes hit her in slow rhythms and suddenly Robin had the immediate urge to cry.

Why, she had no fucking clue.

Her eyes flickered back to Nancy, cuz of course, and the persistent throbbing of her heart increased as she watched the girl exchange a smile with Jonathan.

Her boyfriend.

The person that was most important to her.

The person she loved.

God, Robin was so pathetic.

Realistically she was aware she'd never have a chance of Nancy falling in love with her. Or anybody for that matter.

But deep down, in the most vulnerable part of her being, was a flame that always kept on yearning for the dubious "what if's", she didn't allow herself to dream about.

She'd much rather extinguish it completely - It'd be a lot easier to cope with.

Blinking hastily a few times, she forced away the tears welling up in her eyes, and returned to the party, where the final two guests were just arriving.

With an exaggerated grin, she tried to ignore the twinge in her stomach, as she went to hug Erica, who hugged her back for an entirety of 6 seconds. New record!

"That sweater is another level of ugly", the girl stated matter of factly when it was Steve's turn to embrace her.

Robin let out a snort.

"You clearly don't have any taste", argued Steve, crossing his arms.

"No, she's right!"

"You definitely have to wear that in public, dude"

"I think it's sweet?"

"It's hilarious"

"Why are we discussing Steve's obviously lousy choice of clothing now?"

"Hey!"

Robin smiled to herself as the kids bickered about the nastiness of Steve's christmas themed sweater, as her eyes drifted over the group, again landing on Nancy, who was glancing inconspicuously at Jonathan.

The guy didn't seem to notice, beyond doubt listening to the kids ridiculous chattering.

Why did Nancy's demeanor feel kinda.. off?

She definitely didn't look as joyful as she had seemed when they had first entered the house. Her expression now rather seemed anguished.. Plagued with.. something?

But with what?

She had seemed so happy just minutes earlier..

Wait.

Rewind.

Thinking back, she realized the smiles between the pair earlier had been put-on. It'd been more than obvious. How did Robin not notice then?

Too busy with her own heartache to realize how Nancy had avoided Jonathan the entire time, the obvious tenseness between them, the.. coldness.

Okay, she definitely had to uncover what was going on between them.

Almost an hour later, as they were all sitting around the full table, chitchatting about everything and nothing, Robin bit her lip, still contemplating on how to approach the topic that was Nancy's cold shoulder towards her own boyfriend.

Why hadn't Nance told her if the two of them had had a fight?

Maybe she didn't wanna ruin christmas for anyone? But wouldn't her keeping to herself ruin christmas for her most of all?

Robin sure as hell knew that experience all too well.

When time came to finally exchange presents, there was an underlying, almost childlike quality surrounding them all.

Watching everyone's reactions to their gifts getting opened, or unwrapping the ones they've been given, was truly heartwarming.

Nancy's plan seemed to have worked out perfectly. To grant all of them a few hours of peace. The chance to forget about everything that had happened and left them shattered. But on this day, they all got to feel like careless kids again. Just for a few hours.

Even Holly had come downstairs, curiosity outweighing her normal nonchalantness.

The group had originally agreed on doing Secret Santa, because getting presents for everyone else might get a bit overwhelming. However, while they still each drew a name, most of them got the others something nonetheless.

Robin had chuckled at Steve, when he had started to (literally) take notes months before Christmas, for possible gift ideas for each kid.

Deep down though, she reckoned it was adorable how much thought & effort he put into bringing them even the tiniest amount of joy.

Of course, she officially stepped up to help him, and mostly used her talking abilities to inconspicuously find out what every single one of their friends wished for.

They were a team, always, so obviously the presents would be signed from both of them. While they'd used Steve's credit card, it was Robin's creative ideas and ability to wrap the packages presentable once they'd gotten them all.

The kids' (or rather teenagers') shocked, surprised and grateful reactions were enough to realize that their efforts had more than paid off.

When it was Robin's turn to open one of her presents, she stared agape at a book in her hand, and instantly looked over to Dustin, who grinned from ear to ear.

"Oh my god, where did you get that?! I searched everywhere for it! That book's impossible to find here, never mind in its original language!", she exclaimed while hurrying over to hug him.

"I know, you told me", he embraced her tightly. "But.. My lips shall remain sealed"

Rolling her eyes at that, Robin smiled at him and made her way back to her seat, when Will's voice piped up.

"Is it really true that you can speak four languages?"

Mike snorted. "Dustin always exaggerates, why would she know four languages?"

Robin shrugged. "Cause I can?"

That earned a few laughs from the group, but Mike still eyed her suspiciously.

"Prove it"

"What?"

"Say something in French. Or whatever"

"Bon, alors que voulez-vous que je dise?", she asked them, not realizing they weren't able to understand her.

Her eyes met Nancy's, who was smiling adorably at her. Ignoring the fluttering of her heart, she switched back to English, "Wait, so no one understands French in here, right?"

Receiving some head shaking in return, Robin loosened up and grinned.

"J'ai un énorme béguin pour quelqu'un dans cette pièce. Mais vous ne le saurez jamais car, heureusement, aucun de vous ne peut me comprendre."

"Hell yeah", Steve laughed and applauded, getting joined by almost everyone but Mike.

"Believe me now?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah, sure"

Grinning triumphantly, Robin plopped back down next to Steve, who immediately shared a quick fist bump with her.

"That was really amazing", El commented wide-eyed.

"Well, thank you", Robin beamed brightly, and tried not to let it stagger as she noticed Holly whispering something into her sister's ear, to which Nancy only furrowed her eyebrows in a fun manner.

"Okay, I'm next", Erica announced, and grabbed a gift with her name on it.

"We already brought Max hers", Steve let Lucas know, as he handed him a wrapped box with his name on it.

At the mention of his girlfriend's name, Lucas' eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"Of course", Steve said and motioned to Robin. "We went there earlier today."

A genuine smile formed on the boy's lips. "Thank you, really"

Steve hugged him with a pat on the back, and Robin tried to smile at them, but it shaped up into a sort of grimace.

God, all she wanted was to squeeze the trauma and pain, they had endured, out of every single one of them. Unfortunately, that wasn't physically possible.

If it was, she'd immediately start the trauma-releasing hugging session with no other than..

Her head turned to her left, where Nancy was sitting propped up against the wall, her legs outstretched and crossed over each other.

This time the smile that adorned her face was relaxed. Happy. Untroubled.

If it was because of the third glass of wine she'd drunk, or the current enthusiastic atmosphere in the basement, or both, it didn’t matter.

The only importance was that Nancy finally got to relax a bit, too.

Just the pure sight of the girl's effortlessly gorgeous appearance and her electrifying energy made a smile form on Robin's lips. Noticing the other girl's bright expression, Nancy slid closer to her smoothly, glass still in hand. Pushing the rest of the liquid down her throat, she itched even closer, their arms now pressed against each other's.

"Are you enjoying yourself?", Nancy grinned.

"Are you?"

"I think I am, yeah"

"That's great", Robin said, and even though it hadn't been in the most enthusiastically way, she had meant it one hundred percent.

Still, Nancy's eyebrows shot up, silently asking her the earlier question a second time.

"Oh, yeah- Yeah, me too", she forced a light laugh.

Narrowed eyes blinked at her. Of course Nance didn't believe her.

An extra task appeared on her mental to do list: Improve fake laughter.

Her breath staggered for a second, as Nancy leaned even closer towards her face, only inches of distance between them. Was she trying to kill her?

"If they're being too loud for you, we can go upstairs if you want. I don't mind."

Oh. Wait, what?

To be honest, since directing her focus onto her friend, she hadn't spent the tiniest bit of attention to the other dozen people that were with them. Only then she registered multiple voices talking over each other, some bickering, others laughing.

Her heart warmed at the fact that Nancy offered her to leave for some quietness together.

"Oh uh.. No, no it's fine"

"You sure?"

"Yes. Thank you though."

Nancy's lips formed her adorable smile. The kind of smile that Robin would hold close to her heart, everytime she'd been lucky enough to receive it.

Putting a bit distance between them again, the curly-haired girl reached for two bottles of beer.

Robin's head laid weakly onto her tucked-up knees, while looking up at Nancy in total awe, as she popped the first bottle open with the second one, and effortlessly used the discarded bottle cap to get the second one off, too.

Her fingers soft around the glass, she gripped them tightly enough to have a firm hold on them, but with enough carefulness to not accidentally put too much force into opening them.

Her dainty hands were adorned by such prominent dark blue veins, the image weirdly reminded Robin of her grandma's beloved porcelain ware.

The girl took a long gulp, and offered the other bottle to Robin who couldn't help but continue to stare at her.

Toughness and warmth. Precision and intensity. Sensitivity and sharpness. Courage and patience.

Nancy Wheeler was the optimal combination of it all.

The definition of perfection.

To Robin, there would never be any girl that held a candle to Nancy.

A few moments of silence passed through them, when suddenly..

"You're so hot"

Robin froze, her eyes now wide open.

No, no, no, she did not really say that out loud right now, did she?!

Like a shot, she sat back upright.

"I-I mean, you-", she tried grasping for words but nothing seemed to do. Because she meant it exactly as she had put it. There was no getting out of it.

Panic was setting in rapidly, her blood was set on fire, her veins probably popping open due to the unbearable heat flooding through them.

The worst of it all, Nancy's face was unreadable, and Robin didn't dare to move. Maybe if she just stayed exactly as she was, Nancy would forget it, or, or think it was a dream or a hallucination or-

Unexpectedly, she laughed.

Nancy laughed.

"Thank you. I feel honored"

And with that, Robin was able to breathe again. For the most part.

A few hours, two movies, lots of snacking, and some drinks every now and then later, Robin was sprawled out on one of the couches, her legs draped lazily over Steve's lap.

"I could fall asleep right now", Robin mumbled, her eyes fluttering close.

Steve only grinned. "Don't", he lowered his voice, glancing over to the table where the others were playing some card game, and added, "You still have some one-on-one time to look forward to."

Snapping her eyes open, she smacked him on the chest. "Shut up!"

"C'mon Robs, I know what's going on. It's no shame, I totally get the appeal as you know."

Her face grew hot, and she glanced towards the others, noting how they, luckily, weren't paying any attention to them.

She glared at him, hissing between her teeth, "I'm so not talking about this right now!"

As a response, Steve only held up his hands in surrender, while Robin continued.

"Besides, it's not even like that! But-but if it was, which it isn't, it wouldn't matter anyways, because everyone here is aware I'm definitely not an option when it comes to her romantic interests-"

"Okay, okay"

"-and you have no right to judge me, I judge myself enough for both of us, trust me, and what's more i-"

"Okay. Robin. I get it", he interrupted her with a calming hand on her leg.

As soon as she felt the familiar watery sensation behind her eyelids return, she pressed her eyes shut.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you", she whispered.

"How about you don't beat yourself up for everything? Just for today."

A watery snort escaped her, which she tried swallowing down as best as possible. Steve eyed her gingerly, and his hand squeezed her leg tenderly. Too tired to argue, she let out a defenseless sigh.

"I'll try"

It had been planned weeks beforehand that Robin would stay the night, making the girls' regular sleepover a christmas special.

As soon as everyone had said their goodbyes and thank you's, and started to make their ways back home, the two girls went upstairs to Nancy's room.

Grabbing her backpack, Robin motioned towards the bathroom. "I'm gonna go and change real quick. This shirt's getting itchy", she let the other girl know.

"Sure", Nancy muttered, clearly struggling to open the back zipper on her dress. "Wait, would you help me for a second? I think it's stuck."

The world's most beautiful blue eyes were looking at her expectingly, and Robin's throat went dry.

"Yeah, s..sure"

Biting her lip nervously, she took a few steps towards her, and Nancy turned her back to the taller girl, pulling her hair to the side.

With slightly trembling fingers, Robin gripped the zipper, ready to pull it down. Breathing seemed to take more effort all of a sudden, and without her approval, her eyes automatically drifted away from the zipper, over Nancy's petite, yet fit back, to the nape of her neck.

Stop it.

You're making this weird.

Regaining her senses, she swallowed and shifted her attention back to the task on hand. With a few pulls, the zipper finally moved and released Robin from this mental torture.

"All done", she laughed awkwardly, swallowing hard.

In a swift motion, Nancy let go of her beautiful curls, making them fall flawlessly over her neck, before she turned to face her.

"Thank you", the girl replied with a gentle smile, and Robin once again got pulled into the magnificence that were Nancy Wheeler's eyes.

Getting lost in the endless rings of the most gorgeous shades of blue, Robin had to physically force her eyes away from the ones in front of her. Averting Nancy's gaze completely, she took a step back, bringing some distance between their bodies, and squeezed out a "no biggie", before picking up her bag and leaving for the bathroom.

After turning the key in the lock, she let out a shaky breath and slid to the floor.

"You're such a hopeless case", she whispered to herself, face in her hands.

Resting her head against the door, her arms fell back down to her sides weakly, as her teary eyes stared into nothingness.

Why did she have to be like this?

Pressing her eyes shut, she blinked away the recurring wetness behind her eyelids, and took a few unsteady breaths to calm herself down.

This was not the time nor place for a mental breakdown.

Get it together, goddammit.

Swallowing down the giant lump in her throat, she gathered all her strength to get back up. As she was exposed to her own pained expression in the mirror, a not so tiny part of her wished everything could be different. That she could be different.

The ice cold water she splashed onto her face shocked her back to reality.

"Thérèse et Isabelle", Nancy read out loud, making Robin stop in her tracks.

Letting her bag fall to the floor, she rushed next to Nancy, who was sitting on the edge of her bed, already changed into her pajamas, and flicking through the pages of the book Robin had been gifted earlier that night. Almost having had a heart attack, Robin realized that, thankfully, Nancy couldn't understand anything that was written in it. She exhaled relieved.

"I wanna read it"

Blinking at her, Robin furrowed her eyebrows.

"Huh? You don't know any French", she laughed, but stopped apruptly, panic setting in. "Wait, you..you don't? R..right?"

"No I don't", the smaller girl shrugged and closed the book. "But you could teach me some."

Her whole body visibly relaxed.

"Sure, I.. we can totally do that", she started. "Buuut not now-", she took the book out of Nancy's hands. "We still have to exchange gifts, don't we?"

The girls made themselves comfortable on the soft rug on the bedroom floor, settling down vis-a-vis to each other.

"Okay, can I start? My nerves are eating me alive", Robin joked, knowing damn well it actually was the truth.

"Of course"

"Okay", Robin breathed out, nodding to herself, before leaning over to her backpack to pull out the carefully wrapped present. She eyed it for a second, cringing at the small tear in the paper, and passed it on to Nancy. She could only hope her friend wouldn't notice the little imperfection.. But who was she kidding, there was no way in hell Nancy Wheeler would overlook anything.

She could not not notice the way Nancy's fingers brushed tenderly against her own, as she handed her the gift.

Before the girl even got the chance to unwrap it all the way, Robin's jittery mouth couldn't hold back any longer.

"Ignore the way it's wrapped, I'm obviously not close to being actually good at it, so..", she trailed off, as Nancy was close to see the actual gift.

"I know you write diary, or-or used to, and I, and everyone else in Hawkins for that matter, know what an amazing writer you are, and your words deserve a special place to be written down."

Nancy's eyes softened, as she carefully traced her fingers along the evidently well thought out, beautifully decorated notebook.

"I, uhm, decorated the cover myself, or at least tried to- I wanted it to match your personality, in all your elements, because it's, well, you and you're perf- pretty great the way you are so.. yeah."

Absorbedly in the matter, the shorter girl leafed through the first few pages, and found they were also adorned by tiny, adorable doodles and hand-drawn frames, as well as small, inspiring notes in Robin's unique handwriting.

Her eyes took sight of one of them.

You are part of what makes this universe beautiful.

"Ah, and I got you this bookmark to go with it", Robin added, making her tear away the eyes from the notebook for the first time.

"You can obviously use it for something else too, but.. yeah, when I saw it- It made me immediately think of you and I figured it suits the style of the book perfectly so.." She finally dared to slow down and glanced at the girl in front of her. "I'm just not sure if you like it.."

With delicacy, Nancy continued to let her fingers wander over the work of art in her hands.

"Like it?", she breathed out, her teary eyes finding Robin's unsure ones. "I can't remember the last time someone got me a gift as meaningful as this.. It's- It's perfect, really. Thank you."

Smiling brightly, she leaned forward to wrap her arms around the taller girl. "Thank you Robin", she breathed into her neck, before tilting back and putting a soft kiss onto her cheek.

Shortly after, Nancy's attention thankfully returned to the notebook in front of her, missing the way Robin's cheeks turned a bright shade of red.

She was sure she short-circuited the moment Nancy's tender lips had touched her cheek.

Sure, it had only been a peck and yeah, friends often kissed their friends as a way of saying thanks (did they?), but.. why did it feel like so much more?

She wanted to savor the moment forever. The softness. The warmth. The slightly sticky residue on her skin because of Nancy's lip gloss.

It took everything in her power not to bring her fingers against her cheek and touch the place in astonishment.

Eyes still wide open, Robin regained her composure, registering the way Nancy's lips were grazed by the most enchanting glimmer of a smile. As if in that moment, she wasn't smiling for anyone, but for herself. Not in the exaggerated, overdone way to validate a certain expectation, nor in a forced manner to prevent things from getting awkward between you and your grandparents, who had just gotten you a gift that would've been more suitable for your ten-year-old self..

No, this one was real and genuine and.. Robin was the reason for it. Or rather her present, but she was the one who had made it! So it was her, after all.

God, she never wanted her eyes to lay upon anything else, if she could just forever stare at Nancy Wheeler smiling like that.

With a final grin and the sly biting of her lip, Nancy put the book to safety onto her desk.

"My turn", she grinned, and revealed a wrapped package that was stored in her closet.

Realizing the rather large size of the gift, Robin eyed her suspiciously. When her friend motioned to go ahead, she started unpacking it hesitantly.

Once it was obvious what Nancy had picked out for her, Robin was at a loss for words. She just stared dumbstruck at the turntable in front of her.

Nancy tried to bite back a snicker, as the sight was just too adorable.

"You mentioned the record player your mom has in your living room doesn't work that well anymore, and I figured you preferred having one for your own rath-"

The sudden, energetic squeeze around her brought her to a stop and made both of them nearly topple over. Robin's arms were clutching her body so tightly, it got almost hard to breathe. She smiled into Robin's short hair, as the girl choked out, "Thank you so much, Nance. Truly."

None of them cared how long they were standing there, in the middle of Nancy's room, holding each other tightly, enveloped in nothing but affection.

"I got you something else too", Nancy broke the comfortable silence.

The taller girl let go of her, her expression flabbergasted.

"What? Something else too? Nance! God, now I feel so bad, you're getting me stuff worth tons of money and I'm here giving you a silly, little-"

"Stop, I wouldn't wanna trade my present with anything else", Nancy scolded her with a finger to Robin's sternum, before turning to grab something from her desk.

"Also.. this isn't exactly a present for you, rather, uh-"

Faltering for a second, she brought up the lid of the small box in her hands, revealing two simple silver bracelets.

"Friendship bracelets.. or whatever. It doesn't have to mean anything.. I just liked the idea of having something to connect you to me-", she let out a breathy laugh. "You can totally tell me if this is too childish for-"

"I love it", Robin simply stated, and carefully took one of the bracelets out of the box. Only then noticing the single charm dangling from it, she looked back to Nancy.

"Oh yeah, I thought, since we both wanna get out of here as fast as possible, when this whole shitshow's over.. that, we could each use the free space for reminiscences of wherever we'll go.. like themed charms, or something", she furrowed her brows, seemingly squirming. "And while we probably won't be geographically close, we'd still be somewhat connected, but each with their own memories..", she trailed off, shrugging. Her doe eyes turned to look up into her friend's for confirmation.

Robin was sure she could die right then and there, on the spot. She didn't even register the hard-core beating of her heart anymore.

"That is.. honestly adorable", she mumbled, as she pulled Nancy into another heartfelt bear hug.

Nancy let her head rest against the taller girl's shoulder. "You're my favorite person at the moment"

Without a second of hesitation, she answered, "You're my favorite person, too"

"What about Steve?", teased Nancy.

"Hmm, he comes in a close second"

Both of them chuckled softly.

This time it was Robin who broke the peaceful quiet. "Nance?"

"Yeah?"

"I- uhm..", she let go of her and fiddled with the bracelet in her hand. "I was meaning to ask you.. What's up with you and Jonathan?"

Nancy pursed her lips, and averted her gaze towards the box in her hand, now only containing her own bracelet.

"I just noticed some.. hesitation..? Between you two earlier..", she moved to follow the averted gaze.

"I just wanna know if you're okay"

"I am. We broke up. But I'm okay", Nancy stated impassively.

"Really?", the taller girl asked, her brain not quite catching up. They had broken up?? When? Where? What?

"No. But it's got nothing to do with him."

"Okay", Robin let out a helpless breath. "Sorry I brought it up"

Their eyes found each other that moment. Robin wasn't sure if she imagined the way the girl's expression softened right away.

"Don't be. It's nice that you notice those things about me", Nancy replied.

Opening her mouth, ready to answer, Robin was cut off by Nancy suddenly taking her hand, "C'mon let's test out the turntable"

"What, now? Aren't your parents asleep?"

"Whatever, we'll turn it down", she only grinned and shrugged in response.

"You need stars up there", Robin said matter of factly, her arm stretching up, finger pointing upwards. The two of them were laying on Nancy's bed, feet dangling from the edge, their gazes centered on the ceiling.

A Fleetwood Mac vinyl was spinning, filling the room with soft tunes and drowned out lyrics.

"Stars?", Nancy asked, turning to face her.

"Yeah. Glow in the dark ones. I glued them onto my ceiling. In their real constellations"

"That is so cute", she chuckled faintly.

Rolling her eyes at that, Robin couldn't bite back a smile of her own.

After that, Nancy's arm lifted as well, her pointer finger stretching to brush against Robin's. That simple touch sent a shiver down her spine.

"Wanna dance?", Nancy questioned suddenly.

"Huh?"

"C'mon", she smirked and grabbed her by the hand, pulling her onto her feet.

"Noo, Nance you know my coordination's terrible!", the taller girl whined, still letting herself get pulled into the middle of the room.

"Doesn't matter, just move to the music!"

"Alright", Robin mumbled out loud. "Just move"

The few awkward moves that followed made Nancy giggle, and she eagerly took her friend's hands into her own.

"Follow me"

Even though there was still some alcohol flooding through them, most of its effects had already subsided. That fact made Robin even more grateful to see Nancy in this calm, deeply relaxed state. Simply swaying to the music, spinning with her eyes closed, laughing carelessly.

Her heart warmed at the sight.

If dancing could hold that happiness upright for a bit longer, god, she'd be dancing until she died.

Robin stumbled over her own feet, more than once, but Nancy caught her everytime, saving her with a graceful motion, smiling at her like she was the brightest star in the night sky.

Whenever Robin's eyes catched a new shot of her, laughing with her curls disheveled, her heart would skip two beats.

Nancy was truly devine.

When the current song was about to reach its peak, the smaller girl twirled like a ballerina, her hand clutching tightly to her dance partner.

Robin smiled and pulled her out of the spin, her hands tenderly keeping hold of Nancy's waist, as she dipped her backwards in a theatrical motion. The moment she pulled the girl back up against her, the record crackled to a halt, leaving them in complete silence, only the slight static and their heavy breathing audible.

Their bodies were in such close proximity, Robin wasn't sure if the heartbeat she felt skyrocketing was her own, or Nancy's.

Seconds turned into hours as they remained in the same position, their eyes locked. She could feel the warmth of Nancy's breath against her skin, their noses almost touching.

A part in her, some insignificant interference in the back of her mind, was screaming to let go of the girl in her arms. To step back and bring some distance between them.

Begging to move forward, only a few miniscule inches, was a voice screaming in her head. She'd never get this chance again. It would be so simple, so uncomplicated.

As if in slow-motion, her eyes dropped to the lips that were slightly parted, breathing in the same air as Robin. They were so close to her own, she could simply-

All of a sudden, Nancy pulled away.

They glimpsed at each other for a second, before averting both their gazes to anything other than the girl in front of them.

Simultaneously clearing their throats, Robin's face grew hot.

"Sorry-", she breathed.

"No, no, it's fine"

A second of silence.

"Mayb-", Robin started, at the same time as Nancy spoke,

"I'm-"

"What?"

Nancy motioned to the door. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom quickly okay? What is it you wanted to say?"

Maybe I should go home.

"Oh, uh, nothing, just that maybe we.. uh.. could..", Robin hurriedly glanced around the room, her eyes landing on some magazines stacked in a corner. "..skip through some of your magazines afterwards?"

The girl followed her gaze, and after a moment of perplexity, nodded.

"Uh yeah sure", she laughed slightly. "Be right back"

The second Nancy left the room, Robin dropped her shoulders.

She had ruined everything.

Why did she always had to ruin EVERYTHING.

It was a normality by now, she should be used to it.

But still- She wanted to scream and throw something through the window glass. She threw herself on the bed instead. Her hands found their way over her entire face, covering every inch of her shame.

Why did she have to be like this.

Why. was. she. like. this?

"Fuck", she sighed heavily and stayed still for a moment before drawing her hands back, sitting up- and looking directly into Nancy's unreadable face. The girl's eyebrows furrowed.

"Fuck, what?"

Robin just stared at her.

"No-Nothing. Just- I'm..", she sighed, shoulders sagging.

She couldn't say it.

Even if Nancy deserved to know.

Nancy sat down on the bed, and Robin could not ignore the tight squeeze of her heart at the obvious distance her friend had put between them.

The curly-haired girl looked at her with her typical journalistic face; meaning 'go on'.

"I'm sorry if I made things awkward back there, I- That's something I have no issue in doing apparently. Seems like I'm an expert in that department. Unfortunately..", she sighed and picked at her cuticles, not daring to look Nancy's way while continuing to ramble. "What I'm meaning to say is I'm sorry for- For I don't know, ruining our sleepover, our friendship or- Or whatev-"

"Wait Robin, what??", Nancy sent her a look full of confusion. "Slow down, okay. What are you talking about?"

The taller girl looked up, and found the image of her friend blurry.

Noo, when had she started to cry?

Was this even possible to get worse?

Shut up, it could go so, so much worse. And it wasn't over yet.

Sitting up straighter, Robin braced herself, wishing she could just straighten her sexual orientation as easily as her back.

Nancy's eyes were filled with worry, tenderness and something else. Adoration, disgust, revulsion, Robin couldn't decipher it. She'd rather not know anyways.

"Robin..", her voice sounded tight, distressed, disturbed.

That broke the dam.

Months of pent-up emotions were suddenly overflowing her senses, and she couldn't help the uncontrollable sobs that ripped their way through her body.

She hardly noticed Nancy starting to hug her, as well as the soft whispers she spoke into her ear. Robin couldn't work out what she was saying, her own crying roaring too loud in her ears, just like the thoughts in her head.. But feeling the buzz of Nancy's calm voice helped nonetheless.

Robin clung to her as if her life depended on it. This was the last time she would let her hug her after all.

That thought only brought a new wave of tears to her eyes. It didn't seem to end.

Maybe she would drown in her own sorrow tonight. Was that possible? Drowning in your own tears?

Suddenly self-conscious, Robin loosened her grip on Nancy, just in case the girl wanted to flee but couldn't because of the death grip around her. However, as she shifted, she noticed Nancy's arms grabbing tightly around her.. And she wasn't letting go.

She wasn't letting go.

Maybe this would turn out better than expected?

No. She didn't even know anything yet. She probably thought Robin was having an internal crisis.

Which yes, was true, but Nancy for sure wouldn't be thrilled to find out what kind of thoughts her best friend had about her.

She's going to leave you.

She's never going to speak to you again.

They'll kick you out of their group.

Robin had no idea how long she'd been sobbing into the embrace of Nancy when she continued the cycle of slowly calming down, getting her sobs under control, the voice in her mind screaming at her from every possible corner, starting to cry again, almost hyperventilating and causing her to return to her sobbing mess.

It felt like hours already.

Her body was aching, her head pounding and her heart screaming. Taking deep breaths sent twinges of sharpness through her chest.

The latest sobbing had slowed down to mere whimpers, and soft gasping for air that her lungs were begging to inhale. The more she calmed down, the more things she noticed about Nancy.

Like the way her arms had held her tighter against her when a new wave of sobs had teared her apart.

Her fingers started moving over Robin's back in patterns and shapes whenever she silently cried, staining both of their shirts with her heavy tears.

Whispers in her ear, a reassuring hand in her hair, holding her head upright.

Little squeezes to remind her she was still there, as well as her pretty obvious way of calmly breathing in. And out. Holding it. Trying to convey the act to Robin without pressuring her to actually focus on her hyperventilating.

What was Nancy thinking about?

Had she tried to figure out the cause of Robin's sudden collapse? Had she succeeded?

Maybe she was internally begging for Robin to suck it up and get it together already.

Maybe she enjoyed the hug.

Maybe it had kept her grounded too.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Probably not.

Her eyes closed reluctantly. God, she was exhausted. Her limbs ached. Robin didn't dare moving them an inch, and her eyes burned everytime she blinked.

Above all, her nose was stuffy. She absolutely despised that feeling.

Finally, she let out a shaky sigh.

"Rob?", Nancy whispered, her fingers still drawing patterns on her back. It was crazy how that actually seemed to help her calm down.

"Yeah", Robin croaked. "I'm okay"

"You're clearly not"

"Yeah well duh. I meant I- I calmed down.. So now we can ignore this ever happened."

Nancy let go of her to look into her face. She could only imagine how terrible she must've looked. It obviously wasn't the first time Nancy saw her ugly-cry in front of her but..

It not being upside down slash shared trauma related made the whole ordeal a damn hell more intimate and vulnerable.

Fiddling with her hands in her lap, she averted Nancy's gaze.. Until she felt a hand under her chin, lifting her face gently.

She was burning under Nancy's stare, even though it contained nothing but tenderness.

Her hands touched Robin's cheek, which made her breath stagger once again.

"Tell me what's going on with you", she muttered, caressing the raw skin of her cheek. And when Robin closed her eyes in desperation, a single tear escaped her, which Nancy brushed away in an easy motion.

"Please, Robin"

She let out a shuddery exhale.

Move her hands away.

She'll recoil in disgust as if you were rotting.

Slip back, before she can.

It'll break your heart seeing her move back.

Free yourself from her touch.

She couldn't bring herself to do it.

If that was the last time Nancy would willingly touch her, she didn't dare end it before Nancy did.

If that was the last night she'd spend in her friend's room, enjoying their time together, feeling safe in each other's company..

If the image of Nancy pulling her hand away in disgust would forever be burned into her memory..

If that was the moment her life would change for the worse, so be it.

Her bloodshot eyes fluttered open, looking directly into Nancy's. Her gaze was curious, though not in a nosy way, but a caring one.

God, she felt sick. Maybe she should take a run for it instead? Tell her she was about to throw up and forget about this moment forever.

But this part of her would always be there. It couldn't be forgotten. Because this was her. This was Robin. No matter how often she wished to be different, it was still her.

Gathering all the courage her body had to offer, she hesitantly opened her mouth. For someone who word-vomited every chance she got, it felt like absolute torture to not get one single syllable out.

She was sure she'd end up choking on the actual words.

The soft brushing motion of Nancy's fingers against her skin, as well as the encouraging smile the girl shot her gave her the missing strength.

Fuck it.

There was no going back.

"I'm a lesbian"

Robin stared at the girl opposite her.

She really had done it.

She had said the words.

If she wasn't so goddamn petrified, she'd almost be proud.

The movement of Nancy's fingers against her skin stilled, but her hands remained in their place.

"I-I really didn't plan on doing this today, nor like this or.. or ever, honestly... B-But yeah. It's- It's true and it's, well, me. So yeah, I'm sorry"

She slipped backwards, out of Nancy's touch, leaving the bewildered girl behind.

"The last thing I wanna do is make you uncomfortable, so I really think it'd be best if I lea-"

The sudden pressure of two strong arms around her almost knocked the wind out of her.

"Wha-?"

"Robin", Nancy whispered into the embrace. "Listen to me. You could never make me uncomfortable, okay?"

"B..But I-"

"Nothing you do or say would make me change my mind, trust me", she pulled back from the hug, and grabbed Robin's shoulders with both her hands. "You are so important to me. I would be the dumbest person alive to not like you exactly the way you are."

"Are you being for real?", her voice cracked on that last word.

"Of course I am. Robin, this doesn't change anything. Or- Or maybe it does, but not in the way you think! Maybe it'll bring us closer. Maybe, something.. But it won't break us apart. Not if I have a say in it."

Relief crushed over Robin, tears streaming down her face, and she found herself, once again, in the familiar embrace of Nancy Wheeler, while sobbing into her chest.

Was this a dream?

There was no way this was real.

They laid down next to each other in bed after Robin had calmed down (again). The glow of Nancy's bedside lamp illuminated the room in a soft shimmer of yellow.

Both girls were staring at the ceiling in silence, their soft breathing the only sound in the room. Considering how long she'd been awake until then, as well as the post-breakdown-tiredness, Robin was sure she'd fall asleep every second now.

Until Nancy unexpectedly started speaking.

"How did you know you liked girls?"

Robin blinked in surprise. That.. wasn't a question she was expecting to hear.

"Uh.."

"You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable"

"Oh, no, no, it's not that, I just- I mean, I guess I always kind of knew?"

Nancy turned to her side, facing Robin.

"How?"

"I don't know, I never thought of boys that way- or, or when I did it wasn't really me, but rather this version everyone else wanted me to be. Does- Does that make sense? Well, anyways, when I had my first crush, everything suddenly made so, so much sense, it was insane. Like all the pieces of my scattered self finally fell into place."

Nancy smiled. "That sounds freeing"

"It was", Robin replied. "Well, until I realised what it actually meant for my true self. It's- Well, it's not that easy most of the time you know?"

"I can only imagine", she whispered and averted her gaze.

"What about you?"

She furrowed her brows. "What about me?"

"How did you know you liked boys?"

Nancy snorted. "Well, it's the normal thing to do"

She cringed immediately. "God sorry, that sounded horrible"

"It's okay. I get it."

"No it's..", before continuing, the girl let out a heavy sigh. "You know, my family.. It had always been clear on what my future should look like. Go to school, graduate, go to college, get a worthy job, find a husband and make some kids.. Stay at home with them till they are able to fight for themselves and.. realise your whole life has gone by.

It's never what I wanted. Obviously. You already know that."

Robin nodded. She did. They'd talked about this often the past months.

"The only good thing this whole Upside Down stuff brought with it.. Made me realize how laughable this 'desired lifestyle' was", she sighed again.

"What I wanted to say is- I didn't even know there was any other way to live life than the one I got exemplified. I had no idea it was a possibility to act differently. To.. To feel differently."

Robin nodded, though she wasn't sure where all this was going. She would just listen and do her best to help her friend.

"What did your first crush feel like?"

"Jesus, Wheeler. Those are hard questions", she laughed.

"Sorry-"

"No, it's fine", Robin took a moment to gather the right words. "It felt like.. Like finally being able to breathe when I was close to her. And suffocating when I wasn't.. The first thing on my mind in the morning, last one at night, all that cliché stuff.. But it was exactly like that. One single look at her and I could envision our whole future together", she closed her eyes, laughing at the memory.

"Thinking back it was ridiculous. But.. I know if I'd were to have a crush right now.. It would be exactly the same."

"I've never been able to envision my future with Jonathan. Or steve. Or anyone", Nancy muttered. "Maybe there's just something wrong with me"

Robin propped herself upright. "Oh no, no. No, definitely not. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you Nance. You're the most amazing person I know. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Not even yourself."

Nancy's gaze locked with Robin's. Getting lost in their softheartedness seemed such an easy thing to do.

"And for the envision thing.. They simply weren't the ones then. And who knows, maybe you don't actually want to settle down with anyone for that matter. Just- Just do your thing and not give a damn about societal norms."

A breathy laugh escaped Nancy.

"Yeah maybe."

Tranquility fell over them, and Robin let her eyes flutter shut. They were still burning. No wonder after the tons of salty tears they'd been flooded with.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah?", Robin mumbled, her eyes closed, already half asleep.

"The fastest my heart has ever beaten was when I was with you."

That got Robin wide awake.

What??

She decided to keep listening, maybe she had misheard. Or maybe this was her already fast asleep and dreaming.

"You know, earlier, when you proved your point to Mike.. Holly told me you said something about having a crush on someone in our group."

Robin grew pale.

"Wh..what?"

Nancy didn't seem to have heard her, as she just went on.

"I guessed it'd be Steve, because who else was there?", she let out a shaky laugh. "I internally begged for it not to be Jonathan, because that'd be just awkward and would break my heart.. I ended up thinking all evening about that stupid little information, even though I couldn't even be sure if Holly's translation was correct!"

Robin swore she'd heard the girl sniffle.

"Honestly embarrassing for me to be this focused on something seemingly so unimportant.. But- It wasn't. And knowing what I know now.. I'm sure it wouldn't have taken me forever to realize."

"Realize what?", Robin croaked out, her throat dry as a bone.

Nancy turned to her side, finally facing the girl next to her. And it was at that moment, Robin noticed the wet shimmering in Nancy's eyes.

"I didn't care if it was Steve or Jonathan, or whomever you liked.. I didn’t care about them. I only thought about you. That you deserved much more than either of those two..", she sniffed.

"I.. I wished I would be enough for you. Enough for everything you deserve. Deep down, I think- I think I wished it was me. I wanted to be the one you had a crush on", she choked out the last words, before tears started running down her hollow cheeks.

Robin was left speechless, all the wires in her brain being burned and having exploded.

She clearly couldn't mean what Robin thought she was meaning to say, right??

Torn back and forth between drawing her friend into an embrace to comfort her, or letting her own brain run wild, trying to figure out if this truly was real or only a dream, a fiction of her imagination, she decided to whisper,

"I'm sorry, I don't think I'm following.."

Nancy wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, before sliding closer to the other girl.

"Let's make it clear for both of us then."

With that, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against Robin's. At first, it barely was a touch, and before Robin was able to close her eyes - after a second too long of being frozen - the moment was already over.

Both of their hearts beating up their throats, the girls leaned back enough to be able to look into each other's eyes, before an unspoken approval was made and they lunched for each other once more, their lips meeting in a much deeper, more intimate kiss.

If the feeling of finally coming home didn't already exist, it would be invented only to describe the indescribable sensation that were Nancy Wheeler's lips against Robin's own.

"You- You can't really want this-", Robin started, once they had run out of breath.

"I think I'm old enough to know what I want", whispered Nancy, as her hand was absentmindedly caressing Robin's cheek.

The touch made both of them realize they'd never want to feel anything else anymore.

"I can't believe this", Robin babbled. "I must've died and gone to heaven. That's the only logical explanation for this"

"The only logical explanation?", the other girl asked amused.

"Uhm yes? The concept of heaven and hell is way more realistic than Nancy Wheeler kissing me, pariah slash weirdo Robin Buckley of her own accord. That's simply crazy!!"

Shaking her head slightly, Nancy brushed a few strands of hair out of Robin's face.

"You know what's crazy? That I woke up this morning and my first thought was how much I was looking forward to spending time with you", her hand moved to the other girl's neck, her thumb stroking faintly against Robin's jawline.

"You can't believe this is real? Well, I can't believe I didn't figure all of this out way sooner. It only took a french sentence and some revelations about our deepest, truest selves."

Blinking back tears of her own, Robin smiled, and snuggled closer, her lips grazing Nancy's.

And when she closed her eyes, cuddled close against Nancy, she let the emotions they'd both shared the past couple hours fade into haziness, making room for the simplicity of feeling Nancy's heartbeat close to her, inhaling her unique scent, listening to her steady breathing, and experiencing the way her body seemed to fit perfectly against her own.

This must be a dream, Robin thought, as she slipped off into the easement of slumber.

If she woke up tomorrow, and the dream were to continue, she'd know exactly which Christmas would forever be engraved in the most precious part of her heart.