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5 times Magnus didn’t wear pants around Alec and the one time he did
1.
It all started, Alec liked to think, because of Jace Herondale. Snobbish, spoilt, a little too interested in Alec’s business Jace Herondale, and his short and annoying redhead girlfriend. What was her name again? Cassie? No, it was something else. Carly maybe. Alec didn’t particularly care.
It had been a beautiful late autumn evening, and Jace had just gotten off the school’s football field after his weekly practice session. Alec could tell from the way his voice cracked as he greeted him after shouting instructions at his teammates for hours on end that his throat would be swollen by night. Alec made a mental note to make him some hot cocoa when he got home (Alec had that kind of relationship with his adoptive brother and best friend. No matter how much they insulted each other, they would lay down their lives for the sake of the other). Alec dug his hands deeper into his coat pocket- it was getting chilly- and started tapping out a random, long forgotten tune with his fingers. He waited patiently while Jace finished his cooling stretches and jogged to the school building to take a quick shower before they headed home, used to the routine after years of spending Friday nights at the bleachers.
Alec looked up at the sky as he waited, taking in the rapidly fading sunlight and falling leaves with a strange feeling in his chest- almost like, despite the (mostly) perfect nature of the day and his life, he was missing something vital, something that created a hole in his chest and made him feel like crying his eyes out. He quickly looked down and shut his eyes, his fingers stilling in his pocket and his mind going blank with the struggle of keeping those cumbersome emotions at bay. An image flashed behind his eyes, and he could almost hear a long forgotten voice reproaching him for yet another mistake. He opened them quickly, cursing his mind’s inability to supress clearly unwanted memories.
Alec caught sight of Jace walking towards him, and breathed a sigh of relief at the thought of going home, when his eyes also registered why Jace looked suddenly fatter- the redhead clinging to him under his coat. Alec cursed again, drawing stares from the few who still remained in the field, and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart and convince himself that he didn’t care. After all, Jace was his brother, and things between them were exactly how things between brothers were supposed to be. Platonic. Brotherly. Alec didn’t have a massive crush on him that if revealed would not only ruin his relationship with Jace but would also brand him as a creepy brother liking person. Everything was normal.
And so, for the sake of appearances, Alec buried his flash of jealousy and anger towards the redhead deep within his mind, in a place where so many other (equally ugly) things remained buried that he sometimes felt like the rest of his brain would eventually fill up with the dirty stench the feelings he had tried to forget emanated. He even gave a quick nod in greeting to the redhead- Clary, he remembered now- as if he was trying to prove to the world (and himself) that he was fine. He started walking home, staying a little ahead of the two lovebirds because he was just better at directions, really, but was stopped by Jace, who had apparently forgotten his kit bag in the locker room and wanted Alec to retrieve it for him.
Saying so, Jace continued on, smiling gently into Clary’s neck and whispering something into her ear so that she blushed red- as bright as her hair. For a second, Alec continued to stare at them, and briefly, through his haze of anger- now directed at Jace, too, for keeping him from the warm comfort of his bed and his cat- he felt his heart longing for a love like that. Of course, such thoughts were dangerous, so Alec brushed them off and turned back around towards the school, fingers resuming their restless melody in his coat.
He reached the lockers, glad to hear the deafening silence all around- being in a room full of naked boys was not something Alec wanted happening, ever- and opened the doors to let himself in, already deciding in his mind to make Jace wash the dishes for the next month for this when-
-when he was struck by the sight of a gorgeous Asian boy, who had the most weirdly coloured and beautiful eyes that reminded him of something and who was completely naked from the waist down.
Well, almost naked- the sorry excuse for underwear he had on did leave nothing to the imagination. Alec felt a blush rise up on his cheeks, and he felt warm all over, and dammit he should take his eyes off him but wow those legs.
“Hey! You pervert! Quit staring!” said the boy, hastily pulling up pants and throwing a glare- and a football- at Alec.
That snapped him out of his trance.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be creepy really I’m just here for this bag I’m sorry I’ll go now I’m sorry really I’m just- gah!” said Alec, in a brief display of eloquence. Muttering a quick apology to the floor- after being caught out staring like that Alec really couldn’t muster up the courage to look at the boy- and grabbing that infernal Jace’s kit bag, Alec dashed out of the room, breaking into a sprint with his mind on green eyes and long legs.
He woke up the next morning staring into that boy’s eyes, and even when he realised that it was just his cat Church (so that’s who that boy’s eyes reminded him of), he couldn’t fight off the blush- or the smile- creeping onto his face.
2.
Life went on.
Alec tried his hardest to get a moment to apologise- this time properly- to the boy (he learnt from Jace that his name was Magnus and that he was a goal keeper, and Alec thought that getting that information was worth the weirded out stares Jace gave him- almost). Now that Alec had gotten a glimpse (well, more than that, really) of Magnus, he kept on seeing him everywhere. In the mornings, chatting happily with his blue haired friend, in the cafeteria, standing in line to get his usual cucumber sandwich and Caesar salad (no it wasn’t weird that Alec knew this), and even at the neighbourhood bakery shop- Java’s- one time, when he’d caught Magnus staring at him as he taught an excited kid the simple strains of ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ on the grand piano they kept there. He’d looked away hastily, but the thought of Magnus watching him play gave Alec a warm feeling in his heart. Alec had started frequenting that café more often after that, but no matter how many times he saw Magnus, he always seemed to be busy in conversation with someone else.
Alec had just about given up getting Magnus alone long enough to apologise to him, and was trying to muster up the courage to go up to him in front of his friends and talk about how he’d seen him naked, when the holy powers took pity on him and granted him a golden opportunity- Magnus’ party.
Alec had been eating a muffin at the bakery (he’d skipped lunch to get away from Izzy- his sister’s- cooking. He supposed getting fat was better than choking on the poor thing she decided to get her hands on this time), when Jace walked in with Clary in tow, flopping himself down on the couch- and Alec’s assignments. After a minute or two of Alec’s grumbling and glaring, the two settled down comfortably and ordered coffees for themselves, and Alec went back to eating, even though the previously heavenly muffin now tasted like dried chalk.
“So there’s a party next week” said Jace casually, and Alec was too busy glaring at the book open in front of him to see the calculative look on his face. “At Magnus’ house” He said.
Alec whipped his head around to face a smirking Jace, who looked satisfied for some reason. He blushed, mumbling something about seeing something behind him, and went back to staring- albeit less angrily than before- at his book. Playing off his rapidly beating heart as a result of his quick head whip, Alec asked Jace about details, pointedly ignoring the amused look Jace sent his way.
“Apparently, it’s his cat’s birthday, and he has the house all to himself so he’s throwing it a big birthday bash. Everyone’s invited it seems, but considering that it’s Magnus, I bet the party will be fun. I’m going. You want to come?” said Jace, a knowing grin making its way onto his lips. Alec mumbled a quick sure, before gathering up his things and making a dash for the door.
He could hear Jace’s amused laugh and Clary’s reprimands long after he’d left the café.
Alec sighed, stuffing his bag with his now crumbled assignments, deciding to take a walk around the park to clear his head a little. All around him, the combination of the setting sun and the leaves falling off the nearly naked trees gave an ethereal red glow to the evening. Everything was beautiful, and simple- quite unlike Alec’s thoughts.
See the thing was that Alec wasn’t out. Of the closet. Metaphorically, of course.
He’d known when he was eleven, and when Jace had first come to live with them. Jace had been sullen and sarcastic and closed off, and Alec couldn’t keep his eyes off of the newest beautiful addition to the family and stop wondering what was under that tough exterior. It was only later, once he’d had several embarrassingly vivid dreams about his brother, that he realised that something wasn’t right. By then, though, Jace had become his best friend and such a major part of his life that cutting him off would be like amputating his leg.
Isabelle had gotten to know, of course. Izzy always knew these things, and Alec was grateful that he had someone as understanding and supportive as her in his life. When he’d come out to her, she had just hugged him- and hadn’t even judged him when he admitted his not so tiny crush on Jace with a tomato red face- and told him that she had known since seventh grade, when he’d awkwardly trailed around Raj for days, trying to get his attention and “be friends” with him. It had felt like taking a huge weight off his chest, and that night Alec had slept better than he had in years.
He wondered sometimes what would happen if he told everyone. His father was a notorious homophobe, and Alec had heard once that his father had stopped talking to his best friend once he had gotten to know that he was gay. Alec had full faith in Jace, and knew that he would do no such thing and would probably not even care about his embarrassing crush, but the thought of coming out to him sent his stomach into tight and uncomfortable knots. Besides, his father had always considered him sort of a disgrace, a good for nothing son who should learn more from the perfect Jace. It had annoyed Alec at first, but by now he was so accustomed to living in Jace’s shadow that he had forgotten what it felt like to have the spotlight on himself. Despite this, Alec didn’t want to be an even bigger disappointment to his father by telling him he was gay, and so he put the deed off. A month, then six, until it was on an officially temporary but really permanent hiatus.
Alec sighed, turning around and making his way back home after having realised how late it was. Considering his father’s usual absence- business matters, he said- the responsibility of taking care of the household fell on Alec’s shoulders. And really, it was for the better. Neither Jace nor Izzy could take care of anything for long, as the line of tiny hamster graves in their backyard reminded him nearly every day.
It was because he was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice the figure running towards him until it was too late. One second he was gazing at the grey gravel of the road, and the next his vision was filled with stars- the literal kind, he later discovered, as he was flat on his back and boy did his head hurt.
Someone stood over him, a worried look in his beautiful green eyes. Alec felt like he’d seen him before, but he seemed to have hit his head a little too hard and thus could do nothing more than grunt in pain and try to sit up normally.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t look. Are you OK?” the boy was asking, and Alec slowly shook his head. “I think I have a concussion. My head hurts a lot. It’s fine though, I wasn’t looking either. You don’t have to be sorry” he said, smiling up at the boy.
Then Alec realised who it was he had crashed into- Magnus Bane, in all his glory and wearing tiny shorts that really weren’t an improvement over the revealing garment he’d been wearing the first time Alec had seen him. Alec blushed and tried not to stare at his legs- they were really toned but Alec didn’t want to come off as a creep again- and accepted the hand Magnus had offered him, letting it go as soon as he got up as if it had scalded him (it had, but not in a bad way. At all). As he picked up his bag from where it had fallen, he could feel Magnus’ eyes on him, and he heard the tiny gasp he let out when the realisation of who Alec was dawned over him.
“I know what you’re going to say, but before you do, I just want to apologise for that day. I really didn’t expect you to be there, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t avert my eyes from- from your legs before but ithinkthey’rereallylongandsexyi’msorry.” Said Alec, hesitantly looking up at those green eyes he’d been seeing in his dreams in place of golden ones lately and feeling himself blush deeper. If that was even possible. He fully expected Magnus to scoff at him and call him a creep and never talk to him again, but all he said was: “well, I guess we’re even then. Although, I’m sorry but I simply can’t accept your apology”- a heart wrenching pause-“until you’ve treated me to coffee at Java’s. Is tomorrow okay?”
Silence. Alec could swear that his heart was beating loudly enough for even Magnus to hear, and that his sudden light headedness had nothing to do with the crash he had suffered a few moments ago. Magnus looked worried for a second, and he seemed like he was going to retract the offer when Alec found his voice long enough to breathlessly say- “I’d love to.”
Magnus’ answering grin was blinding, and Alec would later claim that he crashed into a pole on his way home simply because his grin had burnt away his retina.
(Alec was too busy smiling giddily to care).
3.
Magnus quickly became a problem. A huge one that kept Alec awake till unholy hours at night and made it exceptionally hard for him to concentrate at anything.
The thing was that Magnus had a general dislike for modesty, a fact that Alec discovered around their third coffee date.
By then, they had started spending more time together, and Alec had realised that they weren’t as different as he had initially thought that they would be. Magnus was apparently a grade above his, and was a brilliant violin player (according to him, the football was just to keep his body toned. His real passion was definitely the violin). When Alec wasn’t busy trying to keep his eyes away from the latest body part Magnus had decided to reveal, he would marvel at his ability to excel at everything.
But that was the thing. Alec couldn’t keep his eyes off Magnus, and his strong toned legs that seemed even sexier when they were clad in the tight tights that Magnus preferred, or his hands that were calloused from years of plucking at strings, or even the way his Adam’s apple bobbed when he laughed. And let’s not even start with his eyes. Alec was completely obsessed with them, and it seemed like every time he saw them a new shade got added to the already colourful irises. Alec dreamt about them, and Magnus, and damn he really had a problem.
The worst thing was that Alec didn’t even know why the problem was there. Really, there could be no way that Magnus wasn’t gay, and Alec was sure that he wouldn’t mind coming out if it meant getting Magnus. But somehow, the fear of people getting to know and his general lack of confidence forced him to stay put and continue living in friend zone hell.
A week passed like this, with them meeting often for coffee, till Magnus and his white haired friend- Catarina, Alec learnt- became an addition to the table he usually sat at with Jace. If Jace felt anything or was suspicious, he didn’t say anything, but his sly smiles hidden behind his lunch annoyed and scared Alec a little anyway. Still, Alec was happy, and he smiled at even a thought of Magnus (since he thought of Magnus all the time his lips were always smiling now) and though they teased him mercilessly, he knew that Izzy and Jace were secretly glad that he was happy.
Then came the day of Magnus’ party.
It was fairly normal till the evening until Alec had the sickening realisation that he had nothing in his closet worth wearing. In total, he had one shirt that wasn’t black, and that too was a faded green one that really looked grey more than anything else now. On top of that, majority of his pants had holes in them, and while normally Alec didn’t care about them at all, he found himself fussing over the tiniest details, subconsciously wanting to please Magnus.
Izzy understood, thank God. She tutted at him and made him promise her that he would allow her to take him shopping to prevent such a massacre (her words, not his) in the future, before sneaking into Jace’s room to get something reasonable to wear for him. Alec could swear that he had never loved his sister as much as he did in that moment.
All that love flew out of the window once she was done with him, though. Izzy had forced Alec into Jace’s denim shirt that was just above his waistline and jeans that had a dozen too many rips for his comfort. To top it all off, she’d rimmed his eyes with a thin line of kohl, and though even Alec thought he looked quite different from his normal self (in a drop your pants and have me now way), he was too uncomfortable to do much other than blush and stutter and plead for her to let him change into something less revealing.
Izzy was having none of it, though. With a quick pat on the butt (that Alec thought was wildly inappropriate from his younger sister) and a whispered ‘get it, brother’, she sent him out to a waiting Jace. And boy was the look on his face worth it. Jace went slack jawed at the sight of Alec, and his eyes widened comically enough that Alec felt a surge of confidence- enough to make him grab his arm and drag him out of the house with a quiet smirk, mind already on wooing Magnus.
All thoughts about anything vanished from Alec’s mind the moment Magnus opened the door, a wide grin on his glittering face and a cat winding itself around his bare legs. Legs that made Alec choke on his own spit and Jace struggle not to laugh at Alec’s red face.
“Come in!” said Magnus, eyes lighting up the moment he saw who it was. His eyes snagged on Alec, and smouldering with an intense heat that left Alec breathless and silently (and begrudgingly) thanking his sister. Magnus radiated confidence, as if the fact that he wasn’t wearing any pants was completely normal and happened at every party. Jace went in, chuckling all the way in until he caught a glimpse of Clary and forgot everything but her.
Alec remained frozen at Magnus’ porch, eyes wide as saucers and cheeks red and rapidly turning purple. Magnus seemed preoccupied in finding his cat- who had run away somewhere- to notice Alec’s state. Eventually though, he just shrugged, muttering under his breath about how the Chairman wouldn’t be getting any food at night, and was about to go back inside when he noticed that Alec was still outside.
“What are you doing here, Alec? The party is inside, you know that right?” he said, grinning widely.
Alec mumbled an embarrassed ‘yeah’ and, trying (and failing) to not stare at Magnus’ magnificent legs, rushed in with a solid intention to get wasted.
*
Wasted Alec most certainly was not. Lonely, yes. Angry, definitely. But all thanks to Jace and miss redhead deciding that the drinks counter was their personal grope zone, Alec was frustratingly sober. He’d left the main hall in search of some peace and quiet, and during his search he had stumbled upon an old room with a dusty grand piano sitting regally in the middle. Alec had looked around, hesitant at first, and upon making sure that no one was around, had approached the piano like it was a tiger at rest that could bite his fingers off any time.
Now, he was seated before the “resting tiger”, fingers itching to play yet mind too riddled by memories to allow it. The black and white of the keys drew him in, hypnotised him and transported him to a time before, when his life had revolved around playing. He could still see his mother’s face as she reprimanded him for yet another mistake, could still feel the blow of her hits on his hands as she chided him despite him having secured first position in the competition. He could still hear her voice, so haunting even after all these years…
Seized by a sudden frenzy to forget, Alec brought his fingers to the piano, playing a harsh and angry tune from muscle memory. Any minute now, he thought, and, sure enough, his memories washed over him so that he couldn’t hear his own playing anymore.
It was a problem he’d had since his mother died. Every time he played, he would remember her and would feel so stifled by the memories that he would no longer be able to hear his own playing. That was why he’d left playing professionally, letting his dreams get buried under the weight of his less than stellar past.
And yet, and yet. Playing was a part of him, a part that had been wrenched away by none other than himself to leave behind a giant hole in his heart that ached on sunny autumn evenings and demanded to be filled. Sighing, Alec ended his private concert, anger melting away into genuine sadness as he wished.
Silence reigned for a moment after he played the last chord, which was broken by solitary clapping. Startled, Alec whipped his head in the direction of the sound, as was met by the golden green eyes that had haunted his dreams for weeks now. Alec felt a steady blush rising up his cheeks, along with an apology and some more stuttering that collected at the tip of his tongue, ready to be thrown out at supersonic speeds.
“I know, you’re sorry, but you don’t have to be” said Magnus, chuckling dryly. “You play beautifully, Alec. Why don’t you go the professional route?”
Alec looked away, words suddenly evading his mind.
“I-I have too many memories attached to really be able to play indifferently, I suppose” he said, fingers tapping out the ghost of a restless tune in agitation. “Plus, I have a condition. I can’t hear my own music. Not really competition material, huh?” he said, with a bitter smile on his lips.
“Bullshit” said Magnus, his voice suddenly hard with fierce determination.
“If this is not competition material, then Alec, I don’t know what is. You have magic in your hands, and you’re just letting it go to waste over a simple mental block. I know you’ve probably heard this from a lot of people before, and that my words probably sound cliché and untrue to you now, but please believe me when I say that all the music in the world wouldn’t sum up to your playing.”
Magnus sat down beside Alec, uncaring of the red that blossomed on his cheeks at the sight of Magnus’ legs. “I have a violin competition in two months. I want you to be my companion.” He said, gazing determinately at Alec’s crystal blue eyes.
Alec was in shock. Here was he, too cowardly to come out to his brother, and too much of a scared child to overcome the terrible memories of his past, and here was Magnus, almost a stranger, who was bold enough to go sans pants in front of everyone and who had the guts to choose an him as his companion despite knowing what a dead weight he was. Alec was sure he’d never met anyone quite as brave and amazing as Magnus before, Magnus who was his saving grace- Magnus who deserved someone so much better, so much bolder.
Alec stared into Magnus’ questioning eyes, heart racing miles per minute, and thought that he really had to do something to try and repay Magnus, and be half as good and bold as he deserved.
And so he kissed him.
Magnus hummed contentedly, hands plucking the ghost of a tune on the brown bag of sandwiches in his hands. He knew how much Alec- his boyfriend, he marvelled giddily- was stressing himself because of the competition, so much so that he’d forgone lunch to practice in the school’s music room. And Magnus, being the caring boyfriend that he was- cue another bout of giddy disbelief- had decided to share his sandwiches (and some kisses, if he was lucky enough) with him to give him a break.
Magnus’ heart sped up as he reached the slightly ajar door of the room, and just as he was about to get in, he noticed two things that made him freeze in his tracks.
Alec, hunched over, his hand bleeding profusely and glinting with the hint of glass shards on it.
And Jace, shaking his head and cradling Alec’s hand in his with unparalleled tenderness.
Now don’t get him wrong- Magnus knew very well that Jace was straight and deeply in love with the read head Clarice (?). Yet he’d seen the way Alec looked at him, like he was some kind of god, like he’d hung up the stars for him, and, naturally, it made Magnus’ blood boil green with envy that he wasn’t the recipient of said look (well, okay, Alec had looked at Magnus like that once or twice too, but that was besides the point).
Still, Magnus was completely ready to announce his presence and break up the little romance going on in the room- and would’ve done so, if he hadn’t heard what he did next.
“Fine then. Kiss me.”
The bag of sandwiches fell out of his numb fingers as he rushed out of the hall, just missing Alec’s embarrassed sputter.
*
Dive. Stroke. Breathe. Stroke.
Magnus’ mind was a blank space filled with the monotony of his furious swimming. He’d been angry- and more than a little hurt- after the morning episode (as he liked to call it) and after just barely getting through all his classes- and avoiding Alec like the plague- he’d come to the school’s pool to release his pent up anger and maybe tire himself enough so that he didn’t have to cry himself to sleep at night.
He’d carefully tried to not think about Alec, yet every minute or so he’d catch himself remembering Jace asking Alec to kiss him, and his blood would boil anew and his swimming would become more frenzied.
At last, when his chest was heaving with exertion and he was so tired that he couldn’t even raise his arm anymore, he gave up on trying to quell his anger and reign in his tears and climbed out of the pool, ready to wallow in sorrow with his cat.
Except, he must’ve been more tired than he thought he was, because a second later, he stumbled over his own feet and fell face first towards the slippery floor-
-only to be caught by the strong arms he’d been fantasising about lately.
Alec looked up from Magnus’ feet, innocent blue eyes widening a little at the way his less than modest swimming shorts accentuated his toned legs, before meeting his red rimmed eyes and widening for a whole another reason.
“What happened?” said Alec, cupping Magnus’ chin in worry, and, momentarily, Magnus’ anger was dwarfed by his concern for Alec’s now bandaged hand- before the vision of Alec and Jace in the music room passed before his eyes and made his resolve strengthen.
“Why don’t you go and ask Jace?” bit out Magnus, taking advantage of how Alec’s grip loosened in shock to stalk towards the changing room.
“I- what? Magnus, what are you talking about?” sputtered Alec, hurrying after him in desperation.
“I saw the two of you today. In the music room. When he asked you to kiss him.” Said Magnus, wiping himself off so that he could get the hell out of here.
“Oh Magnus! How much of that did you see?” asked Alec, and Magnus was suddenly glad that his back was turned to him so that he couldn’t see the tears that gathered in his eyes at that statement. So all his worst nightmares had come true then.
“I saw enough. Look, Alec, I’ve always known that you love Jace- I can see it in your eyes when you look at him, in the way your fists clench whenever that red head comes to hang out with us. I know that that’s why you won’t introduce me to him as your boyfriend. I’m not blind, Alec, I see it all and I just wish that I could be like him, that I was the one you loved but-“
“Oh but you are” said Alec, and before Magnus could process what he’d just said, he was turned around and pulled into a bruising kiss.
Magnus’ eyes fluttered shut despite himself as Alec cupped his cheek to deepen the kiss. His soft and slightly chapped lips moved against his, as if he was trying to convey all the emotions he was too scared to speak out loud through the kiss.
When he pulled away, Alec’s lips were slightly swollen and slick with saliva- yet his eyes burned with determination.
“Yes, I admit that I had a crush on Jace-” he said, keeping Magnus firmly in place with his hands on his cheek.
“- But, he made me realise today that it was nothing more than that. Jace was a new member of my family, and so it was natural for me to take to him like he was a super cool warrior or something. But when he asked me to kiss him today, I realised that he’s not the one I love.”
“You are.” He said, swallowing Magnus’ sharp inhale of surprise with another kiss.
Magnus’ chest expanded under the weight of the giddy happiness that he was feeling, and he carded his hands through Alec’s silky hair as this time, he deepened the kiss. He bit down harshly on Alec’s lower lip, letting out a breathless moan when Alec responded by trailing his hands down Magnus’ torso until they rested just above where Magnus suddenly needed them.
They kissed until they ran out of air, and even then Alec turned his attention to Magnus’ tantalising neck as he peppered kisses and bites that would surely leave marks later- not that Magnus minded. Alec’s hands moved lower, down, until- oh
-until they were cupping Magnus’ ass, urging him to lift up his legs and wind them around Alec’s waist, effectively causing Alec to be pushed up against the lockers on the wall to try and support his weight. Magnus was suddenly aware of how skimpy his outfit was, and how it left his legs bare for Alec’s hands to trail fire down.
“I love you” whispered Alec against Magnus’ lips, pupils blown.
Magnus moaned, recapturing Alec’s lips in a kiss only to break it every so often to whisper back ardently through the smile that just wouldn’t leave his face- “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
(Turns out the smile was set in stone- it stayed on his lips even as the school’s janitor barged in and started shouting at them about kids these days, why can’t they get a room- even as Alec turned alarmingly – and cutely- red.)
(Oh well).
5.
“You’re shaking”
“No I’m not! Maybe it’s an earthquake”
“Alec. It’s going to be fine! We’ve practiced so many times before, and you’re perfect, darling, there’s no one who can top our performance. I’ll be right next to you, thinking about you- I promise we’ll get through this together.” Said Magnus, gathering a petrified Alec into his arms.
“Remember the time I met your father?” said Magnus, shuddering involuntarily himself.
“This can’t be much worse, right?” he continued, laughing at Alec’s murderous glare.
“C’mon. They’re waiting for us. Just remember that I love you.” he said, tugging Alec’s collar one last time before walking towards the door of the changing room.
“Um… Magnus?” said Alec, hiding his own giggles- poorly- behind his hands.
“As good as your legs may be, you might want to put some pants on first.”
*
“And now, from Idris High School, Magnus Bane for the violin, and his companion, Alexander LIghtwood on the piano.”
Alec wiped his clammy hands one last time, before giving the cue to Magnus and beginning.
Het let the music flow through him, starting at a gentle pace and allowing Magnus’ violin soothe him. He let the auditorium fall away, until it was just Magnus and him, just like all of their practices. He looked up, planning on getting a glimpse at Magnus, but his eyes caught on to a figure in the shadows near the last aisle of the auditorium.
Lead filled his stomach as he forced his fingers to continue on a path they had traced hundreds of times before. Just because he was being haunted by mental apparitions of his mother didn’t mean Magnus would lose. He looked down, and focussed on the black and white keys before him with renewed vigour, trying to feel from the soul what his ears couldn’t hear.
Unknowingly, he increased the pace of his playing, forcing back images of days spent in misery perfecting another piece, of the pain of hands sore from both practice and the beating they’d just received. He fought against his past, for his future, for Magnus, for the person who had taught him so much about love and being himself that he didn’t think he could ever, ever fully repay him.
His heart beat faster as they approached the end of the composition, moving in tandem yet at each step almost brawling with each other. While he couldn’t hear his own music, he could hear Magnus’ and that was enough to drive his fingers- purely by muscle memory- faster and faster, fighting with him and for him at the same time, until with a final flourish that felt a lot like the declaration of love, he ended the piece.
Silence reigned for a second, broken only by their panting.
And just as the audience burst into awed applause, Magnus collapsed.
+1
“Blood pressure 80 over 30 and falling!”
“Patient is in Cardiac arrest! Quick, inject 1 milligram of epinephrine.”
“Charge to 200- Clear!”
“Patient unresponsive! Charge to 300- Clear!”
“No brain activity seen but pulse is back on. Shift patient to ventilator.”
*
Alec walked into the hospital room, feeling a strong sense of déjà vu- this was exactly how his mother’s slow death had started. He was still clad in his suit, but Magnus had been shifted into patient robes- a sleep deprived part of Alec’s brain remarked that at least this time he had pants on- and hundreds of tubes making twisted paths in his perfect body.
Choking back a sob, Alec settled on the chair next to the bed, carefully taking Magnus’ hand into his own. Looking at his fragile, limp hand bogged by the weight of surely painful IV tubes, it was difficult to believe that it was the same one that had playing the smashing piece so powerfully less than 24 hours ago.
Alec rested his head on the bed, feeling heavy- after all, through the blurred panic of the last 24 hours, sleeping was impossible. He only intended to close his eyes for a second, but the next thing he knew, he was fast asleep.
*
Alec woke to the feeling of someone running their hands through his hair, and with consciousness just at the corner of his mind, he nuzzled into it. It felt just like his mother’s touch used to, once, before she’d gotten sick and become the horrible, mean-
-well, that certainly woke Alec up.
And made him realise that Magnus was still unconscious, so the hands had just been a dream.
He made to kiss Magnus on his hand, a silent plea for him to open his eyes, to not be gone, when he was interrupted by someone clearing their throat.
Alec whipped around, blushing lightly why he came face to face with the man he knew to be Magnus’ father. He had a broad face filled with laughter lines, yet at the moment his mouth was twisted into a frown and his eyes were filled with sadness.
“I didn’t want to wake you up before, but we really must take him off now. The doctors say that there is no way he’ll ever wake up from the coma, so we have to let him go, son.” He said, looking sympathetically at Alec.
He walked up to him, putting his hand on his shoulder and handing him an envelope he’d been holding all this while. “Magnus wanted you to have this after he was… gone.” He said simply, and Alec looked down to hide his burning eyes as he accepted the envelope. Silently, the nurse came in, followed by Magnus’ mother, who walked up to his father and put a consoling hand on his arm.
Within minutes, all the tubes had been disconnected, and the EEG beat with decreasing regularity. In this state, Magnus looked so small, so fragile and dwarfed by the giant white bed that Alec was overcome by the need to bundle him in his arms and never let him go.
Yet the unsteady beep of the EEG didn’t stop, until at last, against the faded hum of the flat line, Magnus was lost forever and Alec let himself cry.
*
Dearest Alec,
Please try to believe me, whatever I did was for you and for us- I didn’t know it’d get this far. I know I’ll be saying this a lot, but I’m sorry.
It all started when I first got diagnosed with the cancer. It was localised, just a tumour in the brain, and they thought that if they removed it, my body would return back to normal. Yet during the surgery, they found that the tumour was a lot harder to take out than they first thought it would be, and that several other tiny tumours had arisen which made matters more complicated.
The doctors recommended chemotherapy- and I said no. Even with the strongest drugs they had, my chances were pretty low, and I didn’t want to spend my last days bundled on a bed, too weak to move or do any of the things I really loved- like playing.
My parents agreed to it, though it took some convincing- it was the first time I’d seen them agree about something. And so, they let me heal and took me home.
Believe it or not, you were my childhood idol. I remember the first time I ever went to a piano competition- my father dragged me there- and I was so twitchy that I couldn’t sit through any of the performances- until yours. When your tiny fingers touched the keys, it was like I was transported into a whole new world- a meadow with sunflowers and warm sunshine in it, somewhere I could be loved and love in return, and even my six year old self was mesmerised to the point of being in absolute awe of you.
You didn’t win first place then, and I do believe this was your first competition. I thought it was preposterous- how could they not give you gold, when clearly that was what your playing was? It was only later, when I started playing myself- inspired by you, by the way- that I realised that our world is a cruel one- playing methodically, like a robot, brings you more points than baring yourself to a room full of strangers.
I started attending each and every one of your performances, and for the first few ones, I always felt transported, reinvigorated, and so, so in love- well, as much as a six year old can feel- but then one day, there was a sudden shift.
You came onto the stage, and instead of bowing like you normally-adorably- did, you just kept your eyes fixed on your feet and your shoulders hunched- almost like you wanted to be anywhere but there. That evening, when you played, it was emotionless- like a statue that you see from afar and admire but can never fully call beautiful because of its lifelessness. You looked miserable up on that stage, dwarfed in your too big suit and your shiny black shoes- a young boy with the burden of great men on his shoulders.
You won gold that night.
As I walked out of the concert hall with my mother, I noticed yours sitting in a wheelchair with tubes running everywhere- reprimanding you. Her harsh voice was mostly drowned out by the people around, but I could still catch her telling you about the things you did wrong, and how you were not enough and how she was so disappointed. Your shoulders were hunched, and even though I couldn’t see your face, I knew that you were crying- and it broke my heart.
My mother dragged me off soon after that, and from then on, it became very difficult to convince her to take me to see your performances. Maybe she felt that looking at such clearly abusive relationships would scar my six year old self.
Years passed. I got invested in the violin, and slowly you become just an image at the back of my mind that I would recall every now and then to go over thoroughly.
Then one day, you stopped coming to school- and I was so worried! For almost two whole weeks, you were absent, and I started getting more and more distracted, constantly filled with worry. Jace still came to school, but it wasn’t like I could just go up and ask him about you. So I waited.
It was a long wait.
During your third week of absence, I got to know that you were performing again- and I was so excited, thinking that you were fine, that you’d be back soon, that I begged and begged till my parents had no other choice but to take me to see your performance.
I knew something was off the moment you walked on the stage. There was fear in your eyes, and you kept on glancing at this point behind the aisles- I looked there several times myself, but I couldn’t see anything, so I figured it must’ve been a nervous tick.
Everything was normal at first- your playing was a little more frantic, but still the same as it had been for some time now- until all of a sudden, you started botching up the keys. A second later, you had your hands over your ears and tears running down your cheeks, and you kept on screaming- “why can’t I hear them? Why can’t I hear them?”
They had to drag you off the stage, crying, inconsolable. I got to know that real reason later, from one of the gossip circles in the school, and it absolutely broke my heart.
So years passed again. We were in the same classes sometimes, but since you and I didn’t have any common friends, we skirted around each other- you, oblivious, me yearning.
So, when I got diagnosed, I decided that enough was enough. I’d been in love with you since I was six, dammit, and I wouldn’t just continue sitting around, waiting for life to push you into my way.
The day you barged into me was the day I’d decided to hold a party- and invite you to it- so that I could not only get to know you more, but also push you to re-embrace the part of you I knew you loved. I’ve never thanked fate more than I did that day.
And so I spent my last six months with you, Alec, and they have been the best of my life. Performing with you has been like a dream- each second that we spend together makes me forget everything, makes me feel alive and not like a ticking time bomb. I love you, Alec, and I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t tell you any of this before, and that I’m explaining this to you in a letter after my death. I didn’t want it to end this way, but I couldn’t exactly tell you the truth, either.
You are beautiful. Your playing is beautiful. Please don’t let my death make you feel the same way your mother’s did. Take it as a last request or a dying wish, but I want you to keep on playing, to embrace the performer in you. I’ve seen your fingers tapping restlessly, and I know they yearn for the constant feel of keys under them again. Give into this yearning, Alec, and hopefully, my love will be enough to compensate for the silence in your ears.
Our lives were meant to be intertwined. I’m writing this before the performance, which I know is going to be the greatest ever. I don’t know when you’re reading this, or what circumstances I died under, but I do know this-
Wherever I am, or rather, wherever I will go, I’ll be thinking about you.
I hope you’ll be thinking about me too.