Work Text:
Tavros: iS IT, UH, RECORDING?
Vriska: Yes! That's what the red light is for, num8nuts.
Tavros: oKAY, THEN,
Tavros: dO YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN WHAT WE'RE DOING, OR SHOULD i?
Vriska: 8y all means, feel free to do the introduction.
Tavros: sO, UH, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED,
Tavros: tHE ROXY HUMAN TOLD jOHN ABOUT A VIDEO GAME,
Tavros: aND i GUESS IT WAS MADE, UH, AFTER HIS PLANET WAS DESTROYED BY SGRUB IN THEIR TIMELINE,
Vriska: They called it S8ur8.
Tavros: yES THAT,
Tavros: aND i GUESS THIS GAME, WAS REALLY GOOD, BECAUSE HE PLAYED THROUGH IT, UH, SEVERAL TIMES,
Tavros: aND THEN BOTH OF THEM GOT THE OTHER HUMANS TO PLAY IT,
Tavros: aND THEY REALLY LIKED IT, TOO,
Tavros: fEFERI PLAYED IT, AND SHE SAID IT WAS GOOD,
Tavros: aND kARKAT MOSTLY JUST YELLED ABOUT IT, A LOT,
Vriska: And to 8e fair, that pro8a8ly means it's worth t8king a look at.
Tavros: sO NOW i'M GOING TO PLAY IT,
Vriska: We're both going to play it! It's going to 8e a team effort. My cunning tactical prowess, and your a8ility to occasionally not 8e completely worthless when taking orders from people more determined than you.
Tavros: tHAT'S WHAT YOU SAID, aND IT PROBABLY ISN'T, COMPLETELY NOT TRUE,
Tavros: bUT MOSTLY, YOU REFUSED TO PLAY IT ON YOUR OWN, BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS STUPID,
Vriska: It has sprite graphics! It's a 8illion years o8solete 8y Troll video game standards!
Tavros: aND ALSO,
Tavros: rOSE THOUGHT EACH OF US WOULD PROBABLY PLAY IT, IN DIFFERENT STYLES,
Tavros: aND PROBABLY GET, A DIFFERENT ONE OF THE EXTREME ENDINGS,
Vriska: Apparently the game has three different endings, depending on how you play.
Vriska: It's weird what Humans find impressive. Only three possi8le endings? On Alternia you couldn't even put gar8age like that on a shelf!
Tavros: sO WE DECIDED THAT, WE'LL PROBABLY BALANCE OUT,
Tavros: aND GET AN AVERAGE ENDING,
Tavros: aND THAT WOULD, UH, PROBABLY BE THE MOST INTERESTING WAY TO PLAY THIS HUMAN GAME,
Vriska: Something like that.
Vriska: Mostly I'm just 8ored, and you're fucking helpless without me around.
Tavros: wE ARE ALSO RECORDING THIS,
Tavros: bECAUSE dAVE TOLD ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT hUMANS USED TO DO, CALLED A "lET'S pLAY,"
Vriska: Which is a stupid name for a thing.
Vriska: 8ut the idea is simple enough! We play a video game 8etter than you, and you get to watch us 8e awesome.
Vriska: Or I guess it could 8e funny to watch some loser suck at a game, if they're 8ad enough to 8e funny.
Tavros: nOT THAT THAT WOULD EVER, UH, HAPPEN WITH US,
Vriska: Well yeah of course not!
Vriska: I'm an expert! And you're an expert at 8eing assisted 8y an expert!
Tavros: i'M NOT SURE IF YOU CAN BE AN EXPERT, AT A GAME YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED BEFORE,
Tavros: iN FACT, i DON'T THINK THAT A GAME LIKE THIS, IS THE KIND OF GAME, THAT YOU'RE USUALLY, UH, INTERESTED IN,
Vriska: Yeah, well, the last game I played, I got killed. May8e this one will 8e an improvement. ::::\
Tavros: wELL,
Tavros: i GUESS WE SHOULD START THE GAME, THEN,
Vriska: How very Human-centric. To them, everything that isn't Human is a monster.
Tavros: i DON'T, UH, THINK YOU CAN TECHNICALLY BLAME THEM FOR THAT,
Tavros: bECAUSE THEY LIVE ON A PLANET WITHOUT lUSII TO KEEP THEM SAFE, FROM THE WILDLIFE,
Vriska: Tavros, most people's Lusus aren't cute and harmless like your shitty wimpy Lusus was.
Vriska: Some of us were raised 8y horri8le monsters!
Tavros: sORRY,
Vriska: What kind of date is that?!
Vriska: X IS NOT A FUCKING NUM8ER!
Tavros: iT'S KIND OF A NUMBER, WHEN YOU'RE DOING ALGEBRA, i GUESS,,,
Vriska: It's the opening cutscene of a video game, and it has nothing to do with alge8ra!
Tavros: i THINK, UH, IT MIGHT BE TRYING TO BE AMBIGUOUS ABOUT THE DATE?
Vriska: What's the point if you're only 8eing am8iguous a8out the last digit?
Vriska: For that matter, if you're going to leave the exact date vague, how a8out just don't tell us the date and leave it COMPLETELY VAGUE????????
Vriska: This is 8asic storytelling stuff, people!
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, THAT YOU'RE VERY MUCH OF AN EXPERT, ABOUT STORYTELLING,
Vriska: Well, may8e that's true. May8e it ain't.
Vriska: X, however, continues to not 8e a num8er. Nothing is going to change that.
Vriska: Calling it now. That kid's gonna fall into that hole.
Vriska: Oh my god can this kid possi8ly 8e ANY MORE CLUMSY?
Vriska: I'm reminded of your sorry ass, Tavros!
Tavros: i DON'T THINK i EVER TRIPPED OVER A VINE, AND FELL IN TO A HOLE,
Tavros: mAINLY BECAUSE, IT'S HARD TO TRIP, WHEN YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME, SITTING IN A TWO WHEEL DEVICE,
Vriska: Kid's in the hole. I called it.
Tavros: i DIDN'T, UH, DISAGREE WITH YOU ON THAT,
Vriska: Hmm. Is this kid supposed to 8e male or female? I'm not totally sure how it works with humans.
Tavros: ALL WE CAN SEE OF THE HUMAN, CLEARLY, IS ITS HAIR,
Tavros: oF THE HUMANS WE KNOW, i THINK THE ONE WITH THE MOST SIMILAR HAIR, IS PROBABLY rOSE,
Tavros: uH, APART FROM THE COLOR, OBVIOUSLY,
Vriska: Astute deduction, Sherlock.
Vriska: I think this one is supposed to 8e a female. It's hard to tell, 8ecause these graphics SUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i THINK THE PIXEL ART IS NICE,
Tavros: iT'S DETAILED, AND IT'S STYLIZED, BUT YOU CAN STILL CLEARLY TELL WHAT EVERYTHING IS SUPPOSED TO BE, AND i THINK THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WHEN IT COMES TO GRAPHICS, IN VIDEO GAMES,
Vriska: Why does it say press 2?
Tavros: i HAD A GAME PAD PLUGGED IN, EARLIER,
Tavros: bUT THE BATTERIES DIED, AND i NEED TO FIND MORE,
Tavros: aNYWAY, THIS GAME CAN BE PLAYED WITH JUST THE KEYBOARD, AND IT ONLY HAS, THREE BUTTONS i THINK,
Tavros: aND, i THINK, THAT MIGHT BE A Z,
Vriska: "When HP is 0, you lose."
Vriska: Wow. I would never have guessed that.
Vriska: Tavros, what exactly is the target age range for this game?
Tavros: uH,,,
Tavros: rOSE SAID THE LAST BOSS FOR ONE OF THE ENDINGS, IS REALLY HARD,
Tavros: aND SHE ALSO SAID, IF YOU THINK ABOUT THE GAME A LOT, IT'S KIND OF, UH,
Tavros: nIGHTMARE FUEL,
Vriska: Well, I ain't sold.
Tavros: wE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED THE GAME YET,
Tavros: fIRST, WE HAVE TO PICK A NAME, FOR THE HUMAN,
Vriska: How many letters do we have to work with? I want to name the human "Clumsy Vine-Tripping Doofus"
Tavros: i'M PRETTY SURE, THAT WON'T FIT,
Tavros: iS THERE A SHORTER VERSION, FOR THAT?
Vriska: How a8out "Tavros?"
Tavros: tHAT'S KIND OF MEAN, AND ALSO, NOT VERY ACCURATE, FOR REASONS i MENTIONED EARLIER,
Vriska: You're right, naming her Tavros would 8e mean. Why 8urden an innocent child with such a shitty terri8le name?
Vriska: This Human clearly needs my guidance, just like you did, Tavros. We're going to make her into a cold 8looded killer!
Tavros: i'M NOT SURE, IF THAT'S THE OBJECTIVE, OF THIS GAME,
Tavros: iT LOOKS LIKE, UH, WE HAVE SIX CHARACTERS TO WORK WITH,
Vriska: Oh, that's easy then. We can just use some random Troll name.
Tavros: hOW ABOUT, UH,,,
Vriska: Wait, I have one!
Vriska: I think we can all agree that this is an excellent name.
Tavros: tHAT, UH,,,
Tavros: dOESN'T SEEM COMPLETELY FAIR, SINCE BOTH OF US, ARE PLAYING THIS GAME,,,
Vriska: I'm not hearing any 8etter suggestions.
Vriska: There literally are none!
Tavros: wAIT, i HAVE ONE,
Vriska: Oh my gooooooood, Tavros, no.
Vriska: You are officially the world's 8iggest fucking loser. The 8iggest.
Vriska: I'd sooner name the kid "8eat me up, I'm pathetic," 8ut that's 8asically your name already!
Vriska: It's not like the name really matters anyway. Let's just get on with this.
Vriska: ...is this g8me mocking me?
Vriska: DID I JUST G8 DISSED 8Y 8 FUCKING VIDEO G8ME????????
Tavros: hA, HA,,,
Vriska: HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT, G8ME?!
Tavros: uh, I'M NOT SURE HOW i FEEL, ABOUT THAT ONE,
Vriska: I don't think I asked you!
Tavros: iT'S JUST, IT SEEMS KIND OF JUVENILE, AND i'M WORRIED, THAT IT MIGHT MESS UP, THE NARRATIVE OF THE GAME,,,
Tavros: iT'S LIKE, WHEN IN tROLL lEGEND OF zELDA, iF YOU NAME YOURSELF, UH, SOMETHING SILLY,
Tavros: aND THE BAD GUY IS SWEARING VENGEANCE AT THE END, AND HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE,
Tavros: "sOME DAY i WILL RETURN FOR YOUR DESCENDENTS, bUTTHOLE!"
Vriska: Hahahahahahahaha! People do that?!
Tavros: i'VE HEARD, THAT SOME PEOPLE DO, BUT,
Tavros: i'VE NEVER DONE IT, BEFORE,
Vriska: Right, I 8et you wouldn't have the spine to use such foul language in a video game for children.
Tavros: tHAT ISN'T ENTIRELY TRUE, BUT IT ALSO, MIGHT BE PARTLY TRUE,
Vriska: So we 8oth agree then that this name is hilarious, and fitting, and perfect.
Tavros: i DON'T AGREE WITH THAT, UH, BUT YOU ALREADY PRESSED ENTER, UH, SO i GUESS WE'RE GOING WITH THIS,
Vriska: 8egin now the adventures of Jakass the Human!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Are our eyes closed? I can't tell.
Vriska: Is this human... resting in a 8ed of daisies?
Tavros: i GUESS, THIS IS WHERE WE LANDED, WHEN WE FELL IN THE HOLE,
Vriska: What a goddamn sissy. May8e we should have named her Tavros!
Tavros: i THINK, THIS HUMAN MIGHT BE MALE, BASED ON HIS WEARING PANTS,
Tavros: bECAUSE MOST OF THE HUMANS WE KNOW, IF THEY'RE GIRLS, WEAR DRESSES,
Vriska: Hmm.
Vriska: These graphics are worse than the opening cutscene!
Tavros: i THINK, JUST BECAUSE IT'S PIXEL ART, DOESN'T MAKE IT NOT GOOD,
Tavros: tHAT DOORWAY, THING, LOOKS PRETTY NICE,
Vriska: It 8elongs in a Sweet 8ro and Hella Jeff comic!
Vriska: Well... okay, may8e it's not that 8ad.
Vriska: No video game that actually runs properly deserves THAT treatment.
Tavros: aND THIS GAME, IS RUNNING, FINE,
Vriska: Yep, put that on the 8ox art, with the other critical praise.
Vriska: "Fall down holes! Am8iguous gender! The game runs!"
Vriska: ......does that flower have a smiley face.
Tavros: i THINK IT DOES,
Vriska: It's going to talk to us, isn't it?
Tavros: i THINK, THAT THAT, MIGHT BE LIKELY,
Vriska: It's taking to us.
Vriska: I wonder if this human might just have a concussion from the fall?
Vriska: This could all 8e a hallucination.
Tavros: i THINK, THE FLOWER MIGHT BE, REAL,
Vriska: Hello, Flowey the Flower! I'm Jakass, the Human! Do you want to go start a stupid fucking name clu8 together!?
Tavros: hA,
Vriska: Oh my god I refuse to take lessons from a flower!!!!!!!!
Tavros: bUT, IT'S A FRIENDLY FLOWER,
Vriska: Only you would care a8out whether a flower is friendly or not. Only you could even tell!
Tavros: i THINK, THIS IS THE TUTORIAL PART OF THE GAME, WHERE WE LEARN THINGS FROM A NPC,
Vriska: What could a flower possi8ly have to teach us?
Tavros: iF IT WAS A NORMAL FLOWER, UH, PROBABLY NOTHING, BUT THIS, IS A TALKING FLOWER,
Tavros: fOR ALL WE KNOW, IT MIGHT BE, VERY WISE,
Vriska: I will continue, 8ut under protest.
Vriska: Hearts and flowers. Will there 8e rain8ows next?
Vriska: May8e some red 8alloons and shooting starts too!!!!!!!!
Tavros: iSN'T THAT, A HUMAN BREAKFAST CEREAL?
Vriska: Yes, except 8reakfast doesn't talk!
Tavros: hEY, WE CAN MOVE THE HEART AROUND,
Vriska: Does that do anything? Is this how we gain levels?
Vriska: I want my soul to grow up to 8e 8ig and strong!
Vriska: With the power of LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Oh my god Tavros.
Tavros: wHAT,
Vriska: We are like 8 seconds into this game and a flower is sharing its love with a heart through friendliness pellets!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Do you not see anything wrong with this whole thing????????
Vriska: I can see why John liked this, he's the kind of wuss who can stomach this stuff.
Vriska: Feferi too, may8e.
Vriska: 8ut the others? Seriously????????
Tavros: i THINK, YOU SHOULD GIVE IT SOME, TIME?
Vriska: I have! And I'm this close to leaving!
Vriska: Quick, Tavros! Get the friendliness pellets! Don't you want LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE????????
Vriska: Wait, what the fuck????????
Vriska: Tavros, did you just get murdered 8y a flower somehow?
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, UH, THOSE WERE FRIENDLINESS PELLETS,
Tavros: aND i THINK, WE MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE, SOMEHOW,
Vriska: That's........
Vriska: Not something I was expecting to hear from a flower.
Tavros: a FLOWER, TALKING TO A HEART, NO LESS,
Vriska: Yeah.
Vriska: This whole situation just 8ecame a totally different kind of weird.
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, THAT THOSE ARE FRIENDLINESS PELLETS, EITHER,
Vriska: Oh come on! How are we supposed to dodge those!
Vriska: Are we a8out to 8e murdered 8y a fucking flower?!
Vriska: ...what happened?
Tavros: hE UH, LOOKS JUST AS CONFUSED, AS WE ARE, i THINK,,,
Vriska: Hey, you shot fire at it! Good jo8, Tavros!
Tavros: tHAT WASN'T ME, i DON'T THINK, UH,
Vriska: Then good jo8, Jakass!
Tavros: i DON'T THINK IT WAS JAKASS, EITHER,
Tavros: i THINK, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, THIS THING,
Vriska: What........ is that even supposed to 8e.
Vriska: It's like........ some8ody descri8ed a Lusus to a Human.
Vriska: And then the Human misunderstood the whole, "terri8le monster" part.
Tavros: i THINK IT MIGHT BE, UH, SOME KIND OF GOAT BEAST, CREATURE, THING,
Vriska: Oh my god it's calling us its child.
Tavros: i THINK IT IS A LUSUS, OF SOME KIND,
Tavros: oR IT MIGHT BE, TRYING TO BE ONE,
Vriska: Tavros! I think we found the perfect Lusus for you!
Tavros: wHAT ABOUT, tINKERBULL?
Vriska: Who gives a shit a8out Tinker8ull? Fuck Tinker8ull!!!!!!!!
Tavros: tORIEL,
Vriska: Good, strong, Troll name. Right num8er of letters, even.
Vriska: Are you going to give us a TUTORIAL, Toriel????????
Tavros: tHIS MONSTER, IS DEFINITELY LUSUS LIKE, AND IT HAS A TROLL SOUNDING NAME,
Vriska: Are you sure this game was made 8y humans? With the environment trying to murder us, the "kill or 8e killed" thing, and now this Lusus........
Vriska: If you told me Aradia dug this game out of some archeological excavation I think I might 8elieve you!
Tavros: i WONDER, UH, HOW OFTEN hUMANS FALL DOWN, HERE,
Vriska: That's actually kind of pathetic, actually.
Vriska: Either Humans are constantly tripping over vines and falling down holes into monster land........
Vriska: Or else she keeps checking the same spot every day for Humans that are hardly ever there!
Vriska: I can't decide which is sadder!
Vriska: Lady, you saved our lives from psycho flower murder.
Tavros: yOU CAN GUIDE US WHERE EVER, YOU WANT TO GUIDE US,
Vriska: Yeah, exactly.
Vriska: That... is a lot of purple.
Tavros: iT KIND OF REMINDS ME OF DERSE, IN A WAY,
Vriska: Except leaves everywhere.
Vriska: And, y'know, flower-killing goat Lusii.
Tavros: sEE THIS IS WHAT i MEANT, WHEN i SAID THE PIXEL ART WAS NOT, BAD,
Tavros: tHE WALLS HAVE TEXTURE, AND THE STAIRS, UH, ARE STAIRS,
Tavros: eVEN THE LEAVES LOOK KIND OF NICE, AND THERE ARE OTHER DETAILS,
Tavros: i FEEL LIKE, THESE GRAPHICS, ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF GOOD,
Vriska: If you say so.
Vriska: What's that star thing?
Tavros: oH, IT'S A SAVE POINT,
Tavros: aND IT HEALS US, TOO,
Vriska: Ha! That name's still funny to me.
Vriska: I know it's juvenile, shut up!
Tavros: i DIDN'T, SAY ANYTHING,,,?
Vriska: Ugh, puzzles.
Tavros: i SORT OF LIKE, PUZZLES,
Vriska: That's 8ecause you're willing to w8ste time on stupid 8ullshit for children.
Vriska: Like this game!
Vriska: That's not a puzzle! That's a riddle!
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, i GET IT, VERY MUCH,
Vriska: What's there to get? The door's open. She already solved the puzzle for us.
Vriska: She did what? She la8eled the switches?
Vriska: Is this woman seriously solving puzzles for us?
Vriska: Tavros, you don't need to read every single sign we encounter.
Tavros: uH, tHIS IS THE FIRST ONE, WE'VE SEEN, SO FAR,
Tavros: aND IT MIGHT HAVE A CLUE, TO THE PUZZLE, HERE,
Vriska: The puzzle she already did for us?
Vriska: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Vriska: I told you so. The game is mocking you.
Vriska: Not only are you playing a stupid game for children, you're 8eing MOCKED 8y it too!!!!!!!!
Tavros: yOU'RE PLAYING THIS GAME, ALSO,
Vriska: Yeah well I'm not getting made fun of 8y SIGNS!
Vriska: Oh my god she la8eled the switches.
Vriska: There's only one switch! Why even la8el it?!
Vriska: How is this even a puzzle?!
Vriska: Tavros stop trying to talk to everything god damn it!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Goooooooodddddddd just kill me.
Vriska: Oh no! Two switches?! What should we do, Tavros? I'm fucking STUMPED!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i THINK, UH, THIS IS PROBABLY JUST THE TUTORIAL PART, OF THE GAME,
Tavros: aND SHE IS TEACHING US, HOW TO DO THINGS, RIGHT NOW,
Vriska: Wait, I wanna see what happens when you press the wrong switch.
Vriska: See, if she had made some joke or called us stupid for not following directions, then at least the author is aware that this tutorial 8ullshit is silly.
Tavros: i THINK YOU MIGHT BE READING INTO THIS, A LITTLE TOO MUCH,
Tavros: i THINK, TORIEL MIGHT JUST BE TRYING, UH, TO BE HELPFUL
Tavros: aFTER ALL, THIS CHARACTER IS A YOUNG HUMAN CHILD,
Tavros: aND TORIEL PROBABLY THINKS, WE NEED HER HELP, WITH EVERYTHING,
Tavros: aND SHE IS JUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD LUSUS,
Vriska: Okay, to 8e fair, we did almost get killed 8y a flower.
Vriska: And if I met some kid who nearly died fighting a flower, I pro8a8ly wouldn't have a very high opinion of them either.
Vriska: Clearly this human needs all the help he can get. Luckily he has us 8acking him up!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Okay this is more what I signed up for! Com8at mechanics!
Vriska: ........what.
Vriska: Lady, it's a rough world out there! Tavros and I are living proof!
Tavros: yEAH, i THINK SO, TOO,
Vriska: You aren't gonna 8e around to help us all the time! You should 8e teaching us how to fend for ourself!
Tavros: i THINK, IF WE GO TALK TO THE DUMMY, WE CAN LEARN, HOW TO FIGHT,
Tavros: aND POSSIBLY, HOW TO ALSO, RESOLVE CONFLICT, WITHOUT FIGHTING,
Vriska: Yes to the first, no to the second. Let's do this.
Vriska: What a thrilling encounter.
Tavros: i THINK, IF i GO INTO THE ACT MENU, WE CAN TALK TO THE DUMMY, THAT WAY,
Vriska: What? No.
Vriska: Tavros, don't you dare talk to that fucking dummy.
Tavros: bUT IT'S WHAT tORIEL TOLD ME TO DO,
Vriska: Do you always do what your Lusus tells you to?
Tavros: uH, i MEAN USUALLY, BUT NOT SINCE ALL OUR LUSII DIED,
Vriska: You know what I meant!
Vriska: If your Lusus told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
Tavros: i JUMPED OFF A CLIFF, WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT, WITH MIND CONTROL,
Tavros: sO i MAY NOT BE, THE BEST CANDIDATE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION,
Vriska: Argh!
Vriska: Look.
Vriska: Do you want to spend your time, going around, talking to inaim8 o8jects?
Vriska: Or do you want to actually 8eat this fucking game?
Tavros: i THINK, THE TWO, MIGHT NOT BE MUTUALLY, EXCLUSIVE,
Vriska: Yes they are!
Vriska: I'm calling it right now. Line in the sand!
Vriska: Either you can fight that dummy, or you can spend the rest of your pathetic life wandering around already-solved puzzles and 8eing spoonfed 8y this weird goat monster lady thing.
Tavros: wELL WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, uH, i THINK THAT SINCE THIS DUMMY ISN'T ALIVE,
Vriska: ........yes????????
Tavros: i THINK, THAT i WILL FIGHT IT, THIS TIME,
Tavros: wHAT DOES THIS BAR DO,
Tavros: oH i SEE,
Vriska: What?
Tavros: yOU NEED TO PUSH THE KEY AGAIN, WHEN THE BAR IS NEAR THE MIDDLE, OF THE TARGET
Vriska: What's that target thing supposed to 8e anyway? Looks like some kind of weird sports pitch.
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, THAT EITHER OF US, ARE QUALIFIED TO DISCUSS SPORTS, VERY MUCH,
Tavros: yOU SEE?
Tavros: sHE DIDN'T WANT US, UH, TO ATTACK THE DUMMY,
Vriska: Yes, I get that. She wanted us to talk to the dummy.
Vriska: 8ut do you know why they're called dummies????????
Vriska: THEY DON'T FUCKING TALK 8ACK!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Speak for yourself! Right now I'd LOVE to fucking hurt some8ody!!!!!!!!
Tavros: wAS THE DUMMY, UH, NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Vriska: I MEANT IN REAL LIFE!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Random encounter! Give me the key8oard!
Tavros: i THINK, WE SHOULD FOLLOW TORIEL'S DIRECTIONS, AND NOT ATTACK THIS MONSTER,
Vriska: I think I'd rather 8low off some steam.
Vriska: DIE FUCKER!!!!!!!!
Vriska: That was underwhelming.
Tavros: wHY DID A FROG CREATURE, HAVE GOLD?
Vriska: Haven't you ever played a video game 8efore? Enemies always carry gold!
Tavros: bUT WHERE DID IT GET IT FROM, i WONDER?
Vriska: From........ the ruins, may8e????????
Vriska: Ruins are usually 8RIMMING with gold! That's what makes them RUINS!
Tavros: uH, I'M NOT SURE, IF THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE,
Vriska: Cryptic hints a8out rooms yet to come? This is the kind of puzzle I can toler8.
Vriska: Is she going to........
Vriska: Okay now she's LITERALLY HOLDING OUR HAND!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i STILL THINK, THAT THIS IS PART, OF A TUTORIAL, PROBABLY,
Vriska: Tutorial nothing! What are you learning from this 8ullshit?
Tavros: uH,,,
Vriska: Apart from how to 8e a passive, slack-jawed wimp, I mean.
Vriska: 8ecause let's 8e honest, you don't need a tutorial on that!!!!!!!!
Tavros: mAYBE, IT'S A HINT, FOR A LATER THING, POSSIBLY,
Vriska: It's hand holding. HAND HOLDING!
Vriska: End of discussion!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Man, that hand-holding sure was dangerous! My 8loodpusher is POUNDING!
Vriska: How a8out you, Tavros?
Tavros: i THINK i MIGHT HAVE TO AGREE, WITH YOU, AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT,
Tavros: tHAT IT IS POUNDING, A LITTLE,
Vriska: Wait, are you agreeing with my sarcasm, or actually agreeing with me?
Tavros: i WAS BEING, SARCASTIC, ABOUT WHAT i WAS SAYING,
Vriska: Okay.
Vriska: Wait, were you sarcastically agreeing with my sarcasm, or were you 8eing sarcastic a8out that and actually agreeing with me honestly?
Tavros: uH,
Tavros: wHAT,
Vriska: I don't...
Vriska: Never mind.
Vriska: Forget it.
Vriska: Thanks, "mom."
Vriska: Woah! Tavros, are you sure we can handle this?
Tavros: i THINK, YOU AND ME, AND jAKASS, ARE UP TO THE CHALLENGE
Tavros: bUT UH, ONLY IF WE USE TEAMWORK, }:)
Vriska: Oh man! Listen to that tense music!
Vriska: This is so........ dramaaaaaaaatic!!!!!!!!
Tavros: iT DOES HAVE A PRETTY SWEET BEAT TO IT,
Tavros: i FEEL LIKE, UH, I COULD DROP SOME PRETTY SICK RHYMES TO THIS, ACTUALLY,
Vriska: Oh my god no.
Vriska: If you start rapping, I'm leaving.
Vriska: You can go play with Gamzee instead. See how that goes.
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, HE WOULD BE AS GOOD A GAME BUDDY, AS YOU ARE BEING,
Vriska: Yeah, I don't think so.
Vriska: ...wait a minute, did you just call me game 8uddy?
Tavros: tHAT IS WHAT i SAID, SORT OF, ABOUT YOU,
Vriska: D'aawh. Tavros, you're such a god damn sentimental.
Vriska: Sometimes I just want to choke you to death.
Tavros: tHAT, UH, DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SOMETHING, THAT A GAME BUDDY WOULD DO,
Vriska: Don't worry Tavros, Toriel is still here!
Vriska: We can always count on her to smother us with strangling amounts of affection.
Tavros: sHE WAS MERELY BEHIND THE PILLAR, THE WHOLE TIME,
Tavros: wE WERE NEVER TRULY ALONE,
Vriska: Please let this 8e the end of this... tutorial area... thing.
Vriska: Why does a goat monster living in the ruins in a hole in the ground have a cell phone?
Tavros: pROBABLY TO CALL OTHER MONSTERS WITH, i THINK,
Vriska: Why does she carry around a spare one to give to us? Does she always carry two, just in case she comes across a pathetic defenseless human child?
Tavros: sHE DID SAY EARLIER, THAT SHE CHECKS THE RUINS, FOR UH, FALLEN CHILDREN,
Vriska: Good lord. How often does a human clim8 up the mountain, fall in the hole, not die, and get found 8y her? It has to 8e like once every hundred years or something, right?
Tavros: i'M SURE IT CAN'T HAVE HAPPENED, MORE THAN A FEW TIMES, OR SO,
Vriska: So she carries around an extra cell phone and checks the ruins every day and normally finds nothing and accomplishes nothing whatsoever.
Vriska: This poor Lusus must 8e the most pathetic creature in existence.
Vriska: Tavros, your title is threatened!
Tavros: i THINK, THERE ARE PROBABLY MORE PATHETIC CREATURES IN EXISTENCE, THAN ME, SOMEWHERE,
Vriska: ...wow, good come8ack, Tavros. ::::\
Vriska: Wait a minute, did she leave? Are we finally alone?
Vriska: Oh my god finally!
Vriska: Quick, hit the save point. I am not doing all that over again!
Vriska: Don't tell me she's calling us.
Tavros: i THINK, SHE DIDN'T WANT US TO LEAVE THE ROOM,
Vriska: Well don't tell her we did!
Tavros: i THINK SHE'S JUST WARNING US, ABOUT PUZZLES AHEAD,
Vriska: Puzzles we might actually get to solve ourself?!
Vriska: Well, we o8viously can't have THAT!!!!!!!!
Vriska: What's this thing?
Tavros: uH, CANDY, IT LOOKS LIKE,
Tavros: sHOULD WE TAKE ONE, DO YOU THINK?
Vriska: Candy will rot your fangs.
Vriska: On the other hand, humans don't seem to have fangs, so it pro8a8ly doesn't matter?
Vriska: Why do I have the 8e the one making all the decisions around here!
Tavros: i WONDER, WHAT IT DOES, IN THIS GAME?
Vriska: Wow, a healing item. I'm sure this will prove invalua8le in our epic quest!
Vriska: Whatever that quest actually entails, apart from hand holding and pre-solved puzzles.
Tavros: iF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE US, UH, FIGHT EVERY MONSTER WE ENCOUNTER,
Tavros: wE MIGHT NEED ALL THE HEALING, WE CAN GET, i THINK,
Vriska: Hold on, don't leave the room yet!
Tavros: wHY,
Vriska: See if we can take more!
Tavros: bUT IT SAYS TO ONLY TAKE ONE PIECE OF CANDY, HERE,
Vriska: Yes, and we were also told to stay there in that hallway and talk to frog monsters instead of fighting them.
Vriska: 8e a re8el! Take some more!
Tavros: oKAY, i WILL TAKE ANOTHER ONE,
Vriska: "How disgusting?" The game called us disgusting for taking a piece of candy?
Vriska: I say we take more!
Tavros: yOU'RE RIGHT, LET'S REALLY SHOW THIS GAME, WHO IS THE BOSS, AROUND HERE,
Vriska: Well that would 8e me, o8viously.
Vriska: 8ut just this once, I am willing to delegate you the entirely temporary position of assistant second-in-command 8oss!
Tavros: tHANKS, THAT REALLY MEANS A LOT, TO ME,
Vriska: And that's on top of 8eing game 8uddies!!!!!!!!
Tavros: Uh, IT SAYS WE FEEL LIKE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AFTER i TOOK, ANOTHER CANDY,
Vriska: It's trying to make you feel 8ad. Ignore it!
Tavros: oKAY, i'M GOING TO TAKE, AT LEAST ONE MORE PIECE,
Tavros: }:O
Vriska: ::::O
Tavros: i DON'T,
Tavros: uH,,,
Vriska: Tavros.
Vriska: Let's never speak of this again.
Tavros: aGREED,
Vriska: Random encounter! And this time without Goatmom following us around!
Tavros: wAIT, BEFORE WE ATTACK, i WANT TO SEE,
Vriska: You want to see what.
Tavros: wHAT HAPPENS, UH, IF WE TALK TO THE ENEMY, INSTEAD OF TRYING TO KILL IT,
Vriska: Ugh, fiiiiiiiine.
Vriska: You can handle this one.
Vriska: Wow, what a scary goddamn monster.
Tavros: i WONDER IF, THE MONSTER BEING TOO SENSITIVE TO FIGHT, MEANS THAT WE CAN JUST RUN AWAY, FROM IT,
Vriska: Try it. This is your department.
Tavros: SPARING THE MONSTER, UH, DEFEATED IT, THIS TIME,
Vriska: Wow! Zero XP and zero gold! We struck the fucking JACKPOT!!!!!!!!
Vriska: What the hell is that thing?
Tavros: uH, SOME KIND OF PUZZLE, OR TRAP, PROBABLY
Vriska: Well, there's only one good way to deal with a trap. Spring it!
Tavros: iT LOOKS LIKE, WE FELL THROUGH, TO THE LOWER FLOOR
Vriska: Wow, scary trap. Did we take any damage?
Tavros: OUR HEALTH IS STILL FULL, RIGHT NOW,
Vriska: ...huh.
Vriska: Can just... walk 8ack up to the top?
Vriska: How is this even a puzzle?
Tavros: mAYBE IT'S HERE TO TEACH US, TO WATCH OUT, FOR FALLING FLOORS,
Vriska: Falling floors that are CLEARLY MARKED????????
Vriska: Oh fuck! Another frog monster!
Vriska: I was REALLY not expecting THIS!!!!!!!! ::::\
Tavros: i THINK, UH, YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC,
Tavros: dID YOU WANT TO KILL THIS ONE?
Vriska: I don't even care. Do what you want.
Tavros: iT LOOKS LIKE, COMPLIMENTING THE FROG, MAKES IT SHOOT THESE FLIES AT US,
Vriska: You're the only person who sees complimenting a frog as a valid 8attle strategy.
Tavros: i THINK, IF THE FLIES HIT US, THEY DO DAMAGE,
Vriska: Oh, I get it.
Vriska: It's like... one of those 8ullet hell shooter games
Vriska: Except really fucking tame.
Tavros: uH, BULLET HECK, THEN?
Vriska: Haha.
Vriska: Also there's no shooting, just dodging.
Tavros: bULLET HECK DODGER, GAME,
Vriska: Yes! Perfect!
Tavros: sINCE i COMPLIMENTED THE FROG, UH, NOW i CAN SPARE IT, INSTEAD OF FIGHTING,
Tavros: aND THAT ENDS THE FIGHT,
Tavros: wE GOT TWO GOLD TOO,
Vriska: Woooooooo!!!!!!!!
Vriska: The excitement. I can't contain it. I simply cannot!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Hey, a sliding rock puz- OH FUCK, STOP CALLING US!
Tavros: wHICH DO WE PREFER, CINNAMON, OR BUTTERSCOTCH,,,
Vriska: I prefer not getting phone calls a8out 8ullshit in the middle of adventuring!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i THINK, WE HAVE, TO TELL HER SOMETHING, HERE,
Vriska: Pick one! I'm delegating this one to you too, assistant 8oss game 8uddy.
Tavros: i'M PICKING CINNAMON,
Vriska: Was that all she wanted? Sheesh.
Vriska: Now, the rock puzzle-
Vriska: OH COME ON!!!!!!!!
Tavros: sHE WANTS TO KNOW, UH, IF WE DISLIKE BUTTERSCOTCH,
Vriska: Oh my god.
Vriska: Yes. As of right now, I officially hate 8utterscotch. I hate everything a8out 8utterscotch. I hate the flavor. I hate the texture. I even hate the name! It's disgusting!!!!!!!!
Vriska: What the hell even is 8utterscotch, anyway? Just some kind of goopy 8rown stuff!
Vriska: 8utterscotch is the flavor of things for 8a8ies and stupid little children.
Tavros: iT DOESN'T GIVE ME THE OPTION, UH, TO SAY THAT WE DON'T LIKE BUTTERSCOTCH, ACTUALLY,
Vriska: Don't care! This game made me hate 8utterscotch.
Vriska: I didn't even think that was possi8le.
Vriska: And yet, here we are. I now hate 8utterscotch. It's the worst!
Tavros: i THINK YOU MIGHT, BE TAKING THIS, A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY, vRISKA,
Vriska: Fuck you!
Vriska: Another random encounter!
Vriska: Gimme the key8oard, I'm murdering this fucking thing.
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, THAT IT'S NECESSARY, TO MURDER ANY OF THE MONSTERS, IN THIS GAME,
Vriska: Don't care! DIE!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Oh man! Dodging these projectiles is so hard! Yawn!
Tavros: i THINK, UH, YOU MIGHT BE TAKING THIS A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY,
Vriska: May8e!
Vriska: Woo, three XP! Keep 'em coming!
Vriska: I feel like this is a trap.
Vriska: Can't put my finger on why. Call it a hunch.
Tavros: iT DOES LOOK, UH, A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS,
Vriska: Try hugging the wall? Stay off the path easiest traveled.
Tavros: oKAY,
Vriska: Hmm.
Vriska: Hug the south wall. No8ody pus traps in the corner edges of the room!
Vriska: OH FUCK!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Oh. Just more meaningless fall damage.
Vriska: Without the damage.
Tavros: i THINK, THESE LEAVES DOWN HERE, MIGHT TELL US THE PATH, UH, THAT WE HAVE TO TAKE,
Vriska: Sounds like a plan to me!
Tavros: tHE SIGN SAYS, "PLEASE DON'T STEP ON THE LEAVES,"
Vriska: Fuck the sign! Just go 8ack up.
Tavros: lET'S SEE, IF i CAN REMEMBER THE PATH, CORRECTLY,
Vriska: These random encounters are kind of annoying when you're trying to remem8er what is 8asically a random scri88le on the ground!
Tavros: i'M JUST, GOING TO RUN AWAY, FROM IT,
Vriska: For once, I agree with you.
Tavros: oKAY, SO, FIRST WE WENT DOWN,
Vriska: Right. Then up........
Tavros: i WONDER WHAT THIS SIGN SAYS,
Vriska: God, you and your god damn signs...
Vriska: Hey! The sign down stairs said to keep off the leaves!
Tavros: dIDN'T YOU SAY, TO FUCK THE SIGN?
Vriska: I say a lot of things!!!!!!!!
Tavros: hEY, UH, WE MADE IT TO THE END,
Vriska: Man! That was the hardest puzzle yet!
Vriska: This one actually required us to memorize something, for almost eight seconds!
Vriska: Uh oh, we're in trou8le now!
Tavros: i THINK, i'LL DELEGATE THIS FIGHT, TO YOU,
Vriska: You can't delegate up the chain of command! That's not how it works!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i THINK, THAT YOU'LL FIND, THAT i DID IT ANYWAY, }:)
Vriska: Ugh, there's nothing worse than a smug Tavros.
Vriska: You know I'm going just kill these frog monsters, right?
Tavros: i THINK, THAT RESPONSIBILITY,
Tavros: wILL BE DELEGATED, TO YOU,
Vriska: ........
Vriska: Man, dodging two enemies' worth of projectiles! This is so hard!
Vriska: I don't think this 8attle can get any more intense!
Vriska: Wait- FUCK!!!!!!!!
Tavros: yOU GOT HIT,
Vriska: YES I NOTICED TH8 TH8NK YOU!
Vriska: You distr8cked m8!
Tavros: i DIDN'T, DO ANYTHING?
Vriska: Shut up and let me focus.
Vriska: See, this is child's play.
Vriska: Die, frog thing!
Tavros: sO WHAT DO WE DO, HERE?
Vriska: Five 8ucks says Goatmom interrupts us in the middle of this.
Tavros: i DON'T, UH, WANT TO TAKE THAT BET,
Vriska: Just shut up and move the goddamn rocks.
Vriska: See, I called it!
Vriska: Wait a minute, this isn't Goatmom.
Vriska: Is... the rock talking to us?
Tavros: i DID NOT EXPECT, THAT,
Vriska: It's... moving on its own.
Vriska: This is officially really fucking weird!
Tavros: iT DIDN'T MOVE, FAR ENOUGH,
Vriska: Well, ask it to move again! You're the one who insists on talking to everyone and everything!
Tavros: nOW IT MOVED, UH, IN THE WRONG DIRECTION,
Vriska: For fuck's sake.
Vriska: MOVE TOWARDS THE BUTTON YOUR STUPID ROCK!
Vriska: Another stupid puzzle solved!
Tavros: tHIS TIME, USING DIPLOMACY,
Vriska: I will allow it!
Vriska: Oh my god did it just move off the 8utton.
Tavros: iT DID,
Vriska: That was a rhetorical question! Go talk to it again!
Vriska: God, and now random encounters are getting in the way!
Vriska: Wait a minute- OKAY HOW IS THAT FAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Tavros: yOU GOT HIT, AGAIN,
Vriska: I N8TICED!!!!!!!!
Vriska: I H8D NO ROOM TO D8DGE!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i THINK, THE FROGGIT IS DOING THE ATTACK THAT MAKES, UH, THOSE LITTLE DOTS THAT HIT YOU,
Tavros: wHILE THE WHIMSUM DOES ATTACKS, THAT RESTRICT WHERE YOU CAN MOVE,
Tavros: sO IT'S KIND OF HARDER, UH, TO FIGHT BOTH OF THEM, AT ONCE,
Vriska: Yeah, I picked up on that!
Vriska: New policy. Fairy thing dies first!
Vriska: Woo, more gold!
Tavros: tHE ROCK MIGHT NOT BE THE MOST HELPFUL, UH, BUT IT AT LEAST SEEMS LIKE, IT'S FRIENDLY,
Vriska: This is the weirdest save point I have ever seen.
Vriska: That's a ghost? Why is it lying in a pile of leaves?
Vriska: What kind of loser pretends to 8e asleep with some8ody standing right next to them?!
Tavros: dO YOU THINK, WE HAVE TO FIGHT IT?
Vriska: It's 8locking our path. Let me guess, you'd rather use diplomacy?!
Tavros: iF THAT'S AN OPTION, i THINK SO, YES,
Vriska: Let's see if it is!
Vriska: Oh man! It has special music, and a name! It must 8e a 8oss!!!!!!!!
Tavros: tHAT'S A PRETTY INTERESTING NAME, FOR A GHOST,
Vriska: Well, what would you expect it to 8e named?
Tavros: i DON'T KNOW, i JUST THINK, THAT NAME IS KIND OF UNIQUE,
Tavros: i WONDER, UH, CAN WE EVEN HURT, A GHOST?
Vriska: Let's try it!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Yes! Yes we can! Ha!!!!!!!!
Vriska: God, it's crying at us. As an attack!
Tavros: i FEEL, SORT OF BAD FOR IT, i THINK,
Vriska: ........what does that even mean.
Vriska: Is this an attack????????
Tavros: iT DIDN'T DO, ANYTHING,
Vriska: I think we're fighting... just a really apathetic, lazy, ghost.
Vriska: Pathetic!
Tavros: iT DOESN'T SEEM VERY HARD, UH, FOR A BOSS,
Vriska: You're right, this is a joke.
Vriska: Fuck this, you handle it.
Tavros: i'M GLAD YOU TRUST ME, WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS BOSS, GAME BUDDY,
Vriska: Stop calling me that.
Vriska: ........game 8uddy! ;;;;)
Tavros: i'M GOING TO TRY CHEERING IT UP,
Tavros: i GUESS THAT INVOLVES, UH, GIVING IT A PATIENT SMILE,
Vriska: God, you're pathetic even when dealing with other pathetic creatures.
Vriska: Truly, that is your greatest talent!
Vriska: It's not much. It's almost nothing! 8ut it's something.
Tavros: hE'S STILL CRYING, AT ME,
Vriska: It's not that hard to dodge, moron!
Vriska: Just keep cheering him! Or whatever.
Vriska: Oh man, this party's really going now!
Vriska: Is this what a Tavros Nitram party looks like?
Tavros: i THINK YOU WILL FIND, THAT i HAVE NOT YET BEGUN, TO PARTY WITH THIS GHOST,
Vriska: Oh man. If things get any more exciting, I don't think I'll 8e a8le to handle it!!!!!!!!
Vriska: That's... pro8a8ly one the strangest things I've seen in a video game.
Tavros: i LIKE IT,
Vriska: You would.
Vriska: You won! Congratulations.
Vriska: You cheered up a ghost and it grew a fucking hat.
Vriska: Do you feel accomplished?
Tavros: aCTUALLY, A LITTLE BIT, KIND OF,
Tavros: sHOULD WE BUY ANYTHING, FROM THIS BAKE SALE?
Vriska: 8luh.
Vriska: I can't imagine spiders 8aking anything appetizing. Do you have any idea what spiders eat?
Tavros: dIDN'T YOUR LUSUS, UH, EAT PEOPLE?
Vriska: Spidermom primarily ate wimps and stupid people. Not 8y her choice, I guess.
Vriska: She wasn't much of a 8aker.
Tavros: iT LOOKS LIKE IT COSTS SEVEN GOLD, FOR THIS,
Vriska: At that price, the 8aked goods had 8etter 8e the 8est fucking thing ever 8aked!
Vriska: How much gold do we have anyway?
Tavros: uH, 33,
Vriska: Fuck it. The 8ake sale will have to do without our patronage.
Tavros: i FEEL LIKE, THE GAME REALLY WANTS US TO VISIT, THE SPIDER BAKESALE,
Vriska: We did visit it! We just didn't 8uy anything. 8ecause 8akesales are stupid!
Vriska: There you go talking to everything that moves again. Or in this case, everything that doesn't even move!
Vriska: Is it really necessary to talk to every single frog thing?
Tavros: iT MIGHT HAVE, AN IMPORTANT GAME TIP, FOR US,
Tavros: yOU NEVER KNOW,
Vriska: I know that you're w8sting time!!!!!!!!
Vriska: What do I think of that? I think it's stupid!
Vriska: Who wants to go around SPARING monsters? I'd rather 8e fighting them!
Tavros: iT'S GIVING US THE OPTION, TO TURN OFF THE THING, UH, WHERE NAMES TURN TELLOW, WHEN YOU CAN SPARE A MONSTER,
Vriska: Why would I care a8out the color of a dialog option that I'm never going to use?
Tavros: hOW DO YOU KNOW, THAT YOU AREN'T GOING TO USE IT, EVER?
Vriska: 8ecause I just know.
Vriska: Trust me.
Tavros: i GUESS WE CAN JUST TURN THAT OFF, THEN,
Vriska: Actually.
Vriska: On second thought, leave it on.
Tavros: i ALREADY, UH, TURNED IT OFF,
Vriska: So turn it 8ack on again!
Vriska: I realized that there could 8e a situation where an enemy 8egs us for mercy in exchange for money, or a useful item.
Vriska: Not these frog things, o8viously.
Vriska: Fuck frogs. So much.
Vriska: 8ut in a situation such as that, we might wan to have the option 8e readily availa8le.
Tavros: wE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK WITH PINK NAMES, THEN,
Vriska: Ha!
Vriska: Fitting.
Tavros: i FEEL LIKE, SHE'S CALLING US, A LOT, UH,
Vriska: LEAVE US ALONE GOATMOM YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME! JEEEEEEEEZE!!!!!!!!
Tavros: aNOTHER PUZZLE, HERE,
Vriska: Kind of... not really? We have to 8lindly pick a hole, I guess.
Tavros: a GUESSING GAME, IS KIND OF LIKE A PUZZLE,
Vriska: No it's not.
Vriska: What did the sign over there say?
Tavros: "tHERE IS ONLY ONE SWITCH,"
Vriska: Yeah, this is totally a 8lind guessing game.
Tavros: wHICH ONE, UH, SHOULD WE GUESS?
Vriska: Well, the logical place to start is the top left, closest to the entrance and the clue.
Vriska: Either that, or one of the two holes closest to the 8arrier.
Vriska: Those are too o8vious, so the switch won't 8e either of those.
Vriska: So... pick a middle one.
Tavros: wHICH ONE,
Vriska: A middle one! It literally does not matter which!
Tavros: tOP OR BOTTOM?
Vriska: EITHER ONE!!!!!!!! PICK ONE!!!!!!!!
Vriska: STOP GIVING US RANDOM ENCOUNTERS IN THE MIDDLE OF PUZZLES!
Tavros: i'M GOING TO TRY NOT FIGHTING, THIS ONE,
Vriska: What the hell kind of options are these? Pick on, or don't pick on?
Vriska: What the fuck does "don't pick on" even do? Isn't that literally anything else?
Vriska: Are we going to have TEA with the monster? Are we going to show the monster the spider 8akesale? Are we going to grow a ghost hat out the top of our heads????????
Tavros: i'M GOING TO TRY THAT ONE,
Vriska: For once we agree. I want to see what it does.
Vriska: ........I don't get it.
Vriska: And now it's attacking us, great.
Vriska: Really damn glad we tried that.
Tavros: iT WAS WORTH, UH, A SHOT,
Tavros: aND IT LOOKS LIKE, NOW WE HAVE THE OPTION, TO SPARE IT,
Tavros: aND THE OPTION IS NOW PINK,
Vriska: Yawn.
Tavros: aT LEAST WE'RE STILL GETTING GOLD, FROM SPARING MONSTERS,
Vriska: So here we are, down the 8ottom of a hole. With the pathetic crying hat ghost... thing.
Tavros: aND A VEGETABLE, OVER THERE,
Vriska: Yes, and a vegeta8le. Thank you Tavros.
Vriska: Wait, what's that over on the 8ottom left?
Tavros: aNOTHER VEGETABLE, MAYBE?
Vriska: I smell hidden item. Go get it!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Okay, 8ut what does it DO?
Tavros: iT'S ARMOR, BY THE LOOKS OF IT,
Vriska: "If you're cuter, monsters won't hit you as hard."
Vriska: Oh my fucking god.
Tavros: i THINK, IT'S BETTER, UH, THAN OUR CURRENT ARMOR,
Vriska: We are not putting on a cute ri88on to make monsters hit us less hard!
Vriska: What the hell kind of shitty defense is "get hit 8ut less hard" anyway?
Tavros: i THINK, THAT'S HOW ARMOR WORKS, NORMALLY,
Vriska: The 8est defense is a good offense.
Vriska: Put on your prissy ri88on if you want. We won't need it.
Tavros: i THINK, UH, i'M GOING TO PUT IT ON,
Vriska: Fine!
Tavros: sHOULD WE GO INVESTIGATE, THE VEGETABLE?
Vriska: May as well check it out. Might 8e a healing item or something.
Vriska: This is not a healing item!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i THINK, i'M GOING TO LET YOU HANDLE, THIS ONE, GAME BUDDY,
Vriska: My pleasure, game 8uddy!
Vriska: Oh my god it's shooting vegeta8les at me!
Tavros: tHAT IS KIND OF WEIRD, FOR AN ATTACK,
Tavros: i WONDER IF YOU CAN JUST, EAT IT, SOMEHOW?
Vriska: Tavros, it has a face and it's talking. What kind of civilized person would eat something in the middle of it trying to talk to you?
Vriska: Look. Tavros! It turns out it's a healing item after all!!!!!!!!
Tavros: yOU KILLED IT,
Vriska: Yes. The option was called Devour for a reason!
Tavros: tHAT'S KIND OF, DISTURBING,
Vriska: Well, them's the 8r8ks.
Vriska: Let's get the hell out of this puzzle room.
Vriska: ........and into some other goddamn puzzle room!
Tavros: "tHE FAR DOOR IS NOT AN EXIT. iT SIMPLY MARKS A ROTATION IN PERSPECTIVE,"
Tavros: uH,
Tavros: i WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS,
Vriska: Are you going to keep saying, "I wonder what that means," every time we read a puzzle clue? 8ecause it's already getting really fucking old!
Tavros: sORRY, i'M JUST THINKING OUT LOUD,
Vriska: Well quit it! Some of us are trying to think in loud.
Tavros: iN LOUD?
Vriska: Yes. The opposite of out loud. O8viously.
Tavros: i'M NOT SURE, IF THAT'S ACCURATE,
Vriska: Wait a minute, the exit for this room isn't even 8locked.
Tavros: wE COMPLETED THE PUZZLE, REALLY REALLY FAST, THEN,
Vriska: Tavros, do you see a 8lue switch?
Tavros: i DON'T THINK i SEE ONE, HERE,
Vriska: I mean, they look more like 8uttons than switches, 8ut whatever.
Vriska: Oh wait, I'm dum8. The other two switches are next to pillars. The 8lue one must 8e 8ehind the other pillar.
Tavros: oH, i GET IT,
Tavros: iT'S A CALL BACK, UH, TO WHEN TORIEL WAS HIDING BEHIND THAT ONE PILLAR, IN THE ROOM, WHERE SHE TOLD US NOT TO LEAVE,
Vriska: Yeah, clever puzzle. I'm sure with you wandering around checking everything in sight we would've found the switch anyway.
Vriska: 8ut, a solution is a solution!
Vriska: 8AM! Puzzle solved!
Vriska: How many do we have under our 8elt so far, Tavros?
Tavros: wAS i UH,
Tavros: SUPPOSED TO BE, KEEPING TRACK?
Vriska: Well I'm certainly not going to! I'm 8usy fighting monsters and eating my vegeta8les!
Vriska: Clearly that's what this game is all a8out.
Tavros: i DON'T, UH, THINK THAT'S ACTUALLY ACCURATE,
Tavros: "iF YOU CAN READ THIS, PRESS THE RED SWITCH,"
Vriska: Yes thank you again, Tavros.
Vriska: First of all, why is every sign starting with "if you can read this?"
Vriska: Couldn't that text technically 8e on every sign, ever? You can hardly do what a sign tells you if you can't fucking READ IT!
Tavros: wOULDN'T THAT TAKE UP, A LOT OF UNNECESSARY SPACE, ON SIGNS?
Vriska: Yes! That's the point!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Hit the red switch so we can get out of here.
Vriska: Hmm. Two hidden switches? How devious!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Let me guess, the sign says "If you can read this, press the 8lue switch."
Vriska: W8 a minute. Green switch?
Vriska: There is no green switch! They're 8oth hidden! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHICH IS WHICH?!
Tavros: i THINK, WE MIGHT HAVE MISSED A CLUE, SOMEWHERE,
Vriska: Gee, you think?
Vriska: Also, not to split hairs, 8ut those switches weren't green. They were chartreuse.
Tavros: i THINK THAT COUNTS, AS A SHADE OF GREEN,
Vriska: It's yellow with green in it. Just trust me.
Vriska: I'm no expert on the lower parts of the hemospectrum, 8ut I've had this discussion with Sollux 8efore.
Vriska: Or rather, had Sollux flip out at me one time and then decide the argument was stupid and not worth his time in the middle of me schooling him.
Tavros: mAYBE WE SHOULD GO BACK, AND LOOK AT THAT CLUE,
Vriska: Sure, let's w8ste more time!
Vriska: 8etter option. Fuck the clue and just pick one pillar.
Tavros: wHY WOULD WE, UH, WANT TO DO THAT?
Vriska: 8ecause it's faster! Especially if we keep getting stopped every ten seconds 8ecause of random encounters!
Vriska: Though my expert powers of determination, I say we pick........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: ........
Vriska: RIGHT!!!!!!!!
Vriska: FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, IT WAS ACTUALLY THAT BAD,
Vriska: Yeah, 8ut now we have to walk all the way fucking 8ack!!!!!!!!
Vriska: What was all that 8ullshit a8out a rotation in perspective?
Tavros: mAYBE IT WAS THE ROOMS THAT WERE ROTATING, OR UH, POSSIBLY THE SWITCHES?
Vriska: Yeah 8ut nothing we moving.
Tavros: eXCEPT FOR US, WHO WERE MOVING,
Vriska: Well, it doesn't matter now. Through my colossal fuck up, we have solved the puzzle through process of elimination.
Tavros: i DON'T THINK, IT WAS A COLOSSAL FUCK UP, FOR YOU,
Vriska: Gee thanks, Game 8uddy! You always know what to say to cheer me up!!!!!!!!
Vriska: And if I roll my eyes any harder I'll have a "rotating perspective" of my own!!!!!!!!
Tavros: sHOULD WE GO UP, OR FORWARD?
Vriska: Hmm. The game is trying to gra8 our attention with the leaves and shit to the north. I say go east first!
Tavros: wHY, THOUGH?
Vriska: 8etter chance for treasure!
Vriska: SCORE!
Vriska: Well, may8e. This room looks important anyway. What's that thing on the ground?
Vriska: Plastic.
Vriska: Seriously?
Tavros: oUR CURRENT WEAPON, UH, IS A STICK,
Tavros: sO THIS IS ACTUALLY AN UPGRADE, PROBABLY,
Vriska: It totally is.
Vriska: An that's really fucking sad!!!!!!!!
Vriska: 8ut, treasure is treasure. Equip that thing and let's go the other direction.
Tavros: hEY, IT'S TORIEL,
Vriska: Ha ha, is she calling us while we're in the room with her?
Vriska: Oh, Goatmom. Always worrying a8out us.
Vriska: We aren't hurt! Just chill, jeeze!
Tavros: tHAT TREE, UH, LOOKS KIND OF CREEPY,
Vriska: Yeah it really doesn't match the purple decor in here.
Tavros: iT DOES FIT WITH THIS PLACE, BEING RUINS, THOUGH,
Vriska: Save point! Yes!
Vriska: W8. Is this Goatmom's house?
Vriska: Oh my god it's so fucking quaint.
Tavros: i DID NOT EXPECT TO FIND, A HOUSE LIKE THIS, UNDER GROUND,
Vriska: I'm gonna 8arf. Goatmom, you are just too fucking cute.
Vriska: Ugh, snail pie? Gross! This isn't helping!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Tavros, do Humans normally eat snails?
Tavros: i THINK SO,
Tavros: tHEY CALL IT, S-CARGO,
Vriska: S car go? As in like... the letter S, a four-wheel device, and leave?
Tavros: i THINK SO,
Tavros: oR IT MIGHT BE, CARGO, AS IN, FREIGHT,
Vriska: That's... really fucking weird. And disgusting!
Tavros: i TRY NOT TO JUDGE, BUT, i THINK i DO AGREE WITH YOU, ON THAT,
Vriska: God, she prepared a little room for us too.
Vriska: Goatmom, you shouldn't have!
Vriska: I wonder what's inside?
Tavros: i'M GOING TO SLEEP IN THE BED,
Vriska: ...why?
Tavros: bECAUSE, SLEEPING, UH, MAKES TIME PASS, AND USUALLY HEALS YOU,
Vriska: Didn't the save point just heal us?
Tavros: iT WOULD ALSO, UH, BE RUDE TO NO USE, THE ROOM SHE PREPARED, UH, FOR US,
Vriska: Ugh, that's the real reason, isn't it. You just want to make Goatmom happy!
Tavros: i THINK, THAT WANTING TO MAKE TORIEL HAPPY, ISN'T A BAD THING,
Tavros: wE'VE BEEN REWARDED WITH PIE,
Vriska: And it's fucking 8utterscotch! This game already made me h8 8utterscotch!
Vriska: How the hell would you make a pie out of 8utterscotch anyway? Isn't 8utterscotch just... some kind of sweet goop?
Tavros: i GUESS, YOU CAN MAKE A PIE, OUT OF ANYTHING, REALLY?
Vriska: Oh god, what if she puts snails in the next one?
Tavros: tHAT DOESN'T SOUND, VERY APPETIZING,
Vriska: That's it, I'm drawing the line here. I have a pretty strong stomach, 8ut if I ever hear the words "8utterscotch snail pie" I'm outta here.
Tavros: yOU JUST SAID, THOSE WORDS?
Vriska: I mean if Goatmom says them!
Tavros: sPEAKING OF, SINCE YOU DON'T LIKE BUTTERSCOTCH, CAN i HAVE YOUR SHARE, OF THE PIE?
Vriska: There's only one slice. There are no shares.
Vriska: And it's not even real pie! What the fuck's wrong with you?
Tavros: iS THAT A YES, THEN?
Vriska: ...yes. You can have all the pie you want. All of it!
Tavros: iS IT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, IF i PUT, SOME SNAILS, IN MY PIE,
Vriska: Tavros, I'm going to fucking punch you.
Vriska: Goatmom's quaintness stat has increased further!
Vriska: I didn't think it was possi8le. And yet, here we are.
Vriska: Glad to 8e here too, Goatmom!
Tavros: wE HAVE SOME SMALL COMPLAINTS TO RAISE, REGARDING THE INGREDIENTS, OF YOUR PIES,
Tavros: i FEEL LIKE SHE'S, UH, PLANNING FOR US TO STAY, HERE,
Vriska: Oh man. This is going to 8e awkward.
Vriska: Yes, she definitely plans for us to stay.
Tavros: i THINK SHE WANTS US, UH, TO GROW UP UNDERGROUND, AND AWAY FROM HUMANS,
Vriska: She's like... some kind of ultra-quaint delusional Lusus who wants us to stay on the homeworld.
Vriska: God, this is so fucking sad.
Vriska: Sorry, Goatmom, 8ut we gotta go!
Vriska: Don't change the su8ject, Goatmom!
Vriska: 8LUH!!!!!!!!
Vriska: NOT COOL, GOAT MOM!
Vriska: ENOUGH WITH THE SNAILS!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Fuck it! I'm losing it. Where's the closest waste8asket!
Vriska: Tavros, let me know when she stops going on a8out snails!
Tavros: oKAY,
Tavros: sHE'S STILL GOING,
Vriska: 8luh...
Tavros: oKAY, SHE LEFT,
Vriska: Finally. Where'd she go?
Tavros: i ASKED HER A FEW TIMES, ABOUT HOW TO LEAVE THE RUINS,
Tavros: aND UH,
Tavros: SHE WENT OUT THE DOOR TO THE LEFT,
Tavros: sHE WAS VERY ABRUPT ABOUT IT,
Vriska: She must know an exit! After her!
Vriska: Down the stairs!
Vriska: FOLLOW THAT GOAT!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Freeze, Goatmom!
Tavros: aLSO, YES,
Vriska: Aha! The exit is ahead!
Tavros: sHE'S GOING TO TRY TO KEEP US HERE, FOREVER,
Vriska: Goatmom, we can't stay here! We 8elong on the surface, with other humans!
Vriska: STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM US!!!!!!!!
Vriska: What the hell is an ASGORE?
Tavros: iT DOESN'T UH, SOUND GOOD, OR FRIENDLY,
Vriska: Goatmom, you have to understand that we can handle ourselves! Stop trying to protect us from life and let us LIVE!
Tavros: i THINK HER CONCERN, IS THAT WE CAN'T LIVE, IF WE DIE,
Vriska: We won't die!
Vriska: Well, you might die. You talk to everything and you suck at puzzles. You're hopeless.
Vriska: 8ut you're not alone! You have your game 8uddy here, looking out for you!
Vriska: Together, we can handle as many ASGORES as this game can throw at us!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Y8U C8NT T8LL ME WH8 T8 D8 YOU'RE N8T MY REAL M8M!!!!!!!!
Tavros: wOAH,
Tavros: uH,
Tavros: i THINK,
Tavros: yOU SHOULD MAYBE,
Tavros: tRY TO CALM DOWN,
Tavros: a LITTLE BIT,
Vriska: YES! That's all we want from you!
Vriska: No pie! No quaint little house! No... weird, snail-8ased education!
Vriska: Just let us go!!!!!!!!
Tavros: i DON'T, UH, LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT,
Vriska: W8 a minute. Are we gonna have to...
Vriska: Oh cr8p!!!!!!!!
Vriska: I don't wanna fight Goatmom!
Tavros: i DON'T WANT, TO FIGHT HER, EITHER,
Vriska: First of all, she's so goddamn quaint and pathetic. And... kind of weak.
Tavros: hER EYES ARE RED,
Vriska: She's not armed, she has no claws, small teeth, tiny little horns...
Tavros: i WONDER WHAT HER MONSTER ABILITIES ARE,
Vriska: She's wearing a ro8e! Hardly com8at attire.
Tavros: i WONDER IF SHE CAN DO MAGIC, OR SOMETHING,
Vriska: We, on the other hand, have 8een cur8stomping every monster we run into!
Vriska: Well, apart from the few that Tavros 8efriended.
Vriska: 8ut even that was useful, in its own way. I guess.
Tavros: i BET THERE'S AN OPTION, TO BEFRIEND HER,
Vriska: 8efriend Goatmom?
Tavros: OR AT LEAST, TALK HER DOWN, FROM ATTACKING, IN SOME WAY,
Vriska: Sounds like we have a 8attle plan.
Vriska: What options do we have?
Tavros: tHAT DIDN'T, UH, DO MUCH,
Vriska: Hmm.
Vriska: Crap, she's shooting fire!
Tavros: i'M NOT GREAT, AT DODGING, THESE,
Vriska: Give me the key8oard!
Vriska: It looks like she's not going to listen to reason. At least not yet.
Vriska: We pro8a8ly just need to whittle her down a little.
Tavros: tHAT SOUNDS LIKE, A PRETTY PLAUSIBLE IDEA,
Vriska: Sorry Goatmom, 8ut this is for your own good!
Tavros: tHAT DIDN'T, UH, DO A LOT,
Vriska: ........yeah........
Vriska: This might get a little ugly.
Vriska: Plus she's throwing fire at us!
Tavros: iT'S KIND OF HARD, TO DODGE,
Vriska: No, there's a pattern. You just suck.
Tavros: YOU'RE GETTING HIT, TOO,
Vriska: I also suck, at the moment. Give me a minute and I'll get it down!!!!!!!!
Vriska: In the mean time, we're going to have to keep hitting her!
Vriska: I ain't scared of your magic, Goatmom!
Vriska: I'm sure it's going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt us!
Vriska: Okay, I think I have it figured out. It's sort of a ... zig zag... thing!
Tavros: i BELIEVE IN YOU, GAME BUDDY,
Vriska: Thanks, game 8uddy!!!!!!!!
Tavros: iS SHE READY TO LISTEN TO REASON YET?
Vriska: Doesn't look like it.
Vriska: We're going to have to keep fighting her.
Vriska: Gah! And keep dodging FUCKING FIRE8ALLS!!!!!!!!
Tavros: iT COULD BE WORSE,
Vriska: Oh really? How?!
Tavros: iT COULD, BE SNAILS,
Vriska: DO YOU W8NT TO 8E IN CH8RGE OF F8GHTING GO8TMOM????????
Tavros: nO, i DON'T, i'M SORRY,
Vriska: TH8N SH8T TH8 F8CK 8P!!!!!!!!
Vriska: Wow, we're actually kind of dying here!
Tavros: i THINK, USING A HEALING ITEM, IS PROBABLY NOT A BAD IDEA, HERE,
Vriska: Agreed. Thank you, monster candy!
Vriska: Okay, wow, I'm... really sucking at dodging these fire8alls.
Vriska: I 8lame goatmom. I don't want to fight her! She's making me do this!
Tavros: yOU HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS, i THINK, IN ORDER TO GET PAST HER,
Vriska: I know that. It still feels 8ad though!
Tavros: DO YOU THINK, YOU'VE DAMAGED HER ENOUGH?
Vriska: Just a little more, I think! Her attacks are starting to completely whiff!
Vriska: ::::O
Tavros: }:O
Vriska: ........
Tavros: ,,,
Vriska: ........
Tavros: ,,,
Vriska: ........Tavros.
Tavros: ,,,
Vriska: TAVROS!
Tavros: wHAT,
Vriska: Goatmom........
Vriska: I think... we really hurt her.
Tavros: vRISKA,,,
Tavros: i THINK,,,
Tavros: yOU KILLED HER,
Vriska: ........
Vriska: Well.
Vriska: I guess let's go through this... door.
Tavros: hIM AGAIN,
Vriska: ........
Tavros: i DON'T KNOW IF i WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE,
Vriska: What!
Vriska: Tavros. Come on.
Vriska: So, we accidentally killed Goatmom. And you know what, I'll 8e the first one to admit it. That was pro8a8ly a little 8it more my fault than yours.
Vriska: It's okay! I'll own up to it and take a disproportionate share of the 8lame.
Vriska: 8ut at the end of the day, Goatmom would want us to keep moving forward. The whole reason she ended up fighting us was 8ecause we wanted to get out of this cave!
Tavros: i DO STILL KIND OF THINK, IT WOULD BE NICE, IF JAKASS COULD GO HOME,
Vriska: That's the spirit! We have to press onward!
Vriska: Let's get out of these dusty old ruins. I'm sick of seeing purple.
To be continued.
(probably)