Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hikari liked being four years old.

She liked that she could do her big girl shoes up all by herself.

She liked when Miko tickled her cheeks with her whiskers.

She liked it when Mommy told her to sit real still on the bathroom counter, a big towel clipped around her neck and Mommy’s scissors snipping at her damp hair. The lady at the store said short hair was for boys, but Hikari didn’t want a bunch of hair in her face all the time. And Onii-chan had long hair and he was a boy, so the poor lady must have been awfully mixed up.

Hikari really liked when Daddy sometimes snuck her a bit of his dessert when Mommy and Onii-chan weren’t looking. It made her feel sneaky and special and she practiced winking back at Daddy but hadn’t figured that out yet.

What Hikari did not like was the other kids at preschool leaning far away when she sneezed.

She didn’t like feeling left out when she missed a few days of school and came back to a room decorated with art projects she didn’t get to help with.

She didn’t like the sad and quiet she felt in her chest when nobody wanted to be her partner because she had “germs”. Hikari always washed her hands and coughed into her elbow and used a tissue.

She didn’t like that the kids that always traded snacks behind the teacher’s back would never trade with her. Even when they had just said they liked the snack she had. They’d trade with anybody else. But not Hikari.

Hikari didn’t like it when one day she cried all the way home and the next day Mommy had a meeting with her teacher.

She didn’t like it when Mommy and Daddy sat her down after dinner and told her that she would be in a new class in the spring. A new teacher. A whole class of new students. “A fresh start”, they said. A sicky feeling wiggled around in her tummy and she asked if she did something bad. Daddy promised she didn’t. Mommy said they would try a new vitamin and see if maybe it would help her stay healthier.

Hikari liked the new vitamin. It looked like a smiley face and tasted like orange mochi. Onii-chan liked it too and Mommy scolded them when she caught the two of them sneaking extras. Hikari wasn’t sure how it could be bad to eat good things, but Mommy said something about wasting money and Daddy put his stern face on, so they made sure to only eat one with breakfast.

Hikari loved the new dress and shoes Mommy and Daddy bought her for the first day of school. She twirled around in front of the mirror in her room until she got silly and giggly and couldn’t stand up right. Mommy had to bribe her with two extra bedtime books to get her to change into her jammies that night.

The new vitamin didn’t stop Hikari from getting sick.

She didn’t like it anymore.

She didn’t like the cold, achy, tired feeling that grabbed her tight and didn’t let go until she was three days late for the new year.

Hikari wore her new shoes and dress for her first day of school, but she didn’t feel so pretty when her nose was stuffed up and her fingers were cold. She held Mommy’s hand tight and their steps echoed down the empty hall, her backpack from last year weighing her down even though there was hardly anything in it. Mommy passed her off to her new teacher, and she held the woman’s bigger, warmer hand while they introduced her to the class. Daddy had told her not to be em-bear-ist about being late and Hikari didn’t really know what that meant, but if it was a word for feeling like she wanted to go hide under that table, she had it bad. Hopefully, Daddy wouldn’t find out.

Hikari’s belly was doing some kind of dance all morning. It made her mouth not want to open and her fingers twisted her dress so much it wrinkled.

When Hikari sneezed a big sneeze at lunchtime, the girl next to her scrunched her whole face up and said ew, really huffy. Hikari rushed to get the tissues Mommy had put in her pocket. She opened the little plastic holder and tried to keep the tears in her eyes instead of on her face.

A happy gasp made her look up.

“You like Totoro?”

The boy across from her was bouncing in his seat. He was sitting on his knees in the chair, which Mommy told her not to do in school, but maybe his Mommy let him.

Hikari looked back down at the tissues, Totoro’s wide smile grinning up at her from the plastic wrap.

She nodded.

Hikari liked Takeru.

He was sweet and happy and loud. Sometimes he was too loud and made her ears hurt, but he always said sorry and patted her arm and sucked his lips into his mouth.

She liked how everything made him giggle and how once he started, he couldn’t stop until long after the teacher asked him to calm down.

She liked that she was taller than him and that he didn’t get mad at her about it. He just said he would be super-duper tall like his Daddy when he got big.

She loved that he got the hiccups all the time and he would hang upside down on the playground until they went away because that’s what his Onii-chan told him to do. Hikari tried it too and Mommy made her wear shorts under her dresses after that.

Takeru colored his teeth with a crayon one day and Hikari laughed so hard her face hurt. Then she did it too and they laughed until the chairs couldn’t hold all their silly and they slid onto the floor. They got in trouble and the teacher tattled to Hikari’s mother, but Hikari giggled all the way home and Mommy’s voice didn’t sound all that mad anyway. Daddy snuck her half of his dessert that night.

Once in a while, Takeru did something Hikari didn’t like, but it was okay because Mommy and Daddy and Onii-chan all told her that nobody could be happy all the time. Hikari knew it was okay to be sad.

She still didn’t like it when Takeru was late to school, his eyes wide like something scary had happened, and his mama all whispery and in a hurry. On those days Takeru was slow and quiet and just wanted to sit near Hikari until he felt better. It helped if Hikari held his hand or read him a book. He couldn’t read as much as she could, but that was okay too because she had been to preschool before and this was his first year.

Hikari really liked it when Mommy opened the mail one day and she found out she was invited to Takeru’s birthday party. Onii-chan and Daddy helped her wrap the stuffed Totoro she found, and Mommy drove her over to Takeru’s house. It was a weird party, Takeru’s mama was on the phone the whole time and his Daddy wasn’t there, but his onii-chan, Yamato, was very nice to her and there was cake, so it really wasn’t so bad. Takeru gave her a big hug and put the Totoro on his bed for safekeeping.

Hikari still didn’t like getting sick all the time, but now when she came back to school there were cards on her desk full of words like, “feel better!” and, “we missed you!” It made her heart feel warm and fluttery and she couldn’t stop wiggling in her seat even though a lot of the time she still didn’t feel all better yet. Takeru’s drawings always had a big sun with a happy face in them and Hikari thought they looked just like him. That felt like a secret though.

One day Takeru’s mama had an angry whisper with the teacher in the hallway and waved a crumpled paper around. Hikari pretended to read her book, but Takeru was sitting real quiet at his desk and had a look on his face that made Hikari feel like she was in trouble too even though she was way over here. Takeru’s mama crumpled the paper up and threw it in the trash before she left. When the teacher told everyone to get their show and tell for morning meeting, Hikari made sure no one was watching and snatched the paper from the bin. Her heart felt too big and too small at the same time when she saw a big orange thing and a green thing with wings fighting. Hikari knew what that was, and that was a secret too.

Hikari didn’t like that she couldn’t stop coughing. It was chilly that morning and Takeru let her wear his mittens at playtime. Her fingers weren’t cold anymore, but the air in her lungs tickled like feathers and made her itchy on the inside.

Everybody said it was nice and warm the next day, but Hikari felt cold anyway. The teacher let her wear her jacket in the classroom and made Mom faces at her all the time. Takeru read her the only book he could read over and over again even when they were supposed to be doing other things. It scared Hikari that the teacher didn’t make them stop.

When Hikari started crying at afternoon snack and she didn’t even know why, the teacher called her house.

Hikari went home early that day.

Hikari didn’t like how Mommy had to run out to get her more medicine and left her home, even if Onii-chan was supposed to be home in just a few minutes.

She really did like it when Onii-chan took her outside to play. She was tired but felt much warmer now that she was home. She liked it right up until she fell down.

Hikari did not like the noise the ambulance made, or the serious voices the ambulance people talked with, or the big mask they said she couldn’t touch.

Hikari hated the hospital. She hated the bed and the beeping and how everything was so big, and it made her feel so, so small, even if she was taller than Takeru.

She pretended not to hear Mommy shout at Onii-chan and promised to herself to say sorry later. It wasn’t his fault she was sick. He just wanted to cheer her up.

Hikari did, however, like the sunshine face balloon and “Feel better!” card she woke up to the next morning.

The teacher let her take naps at snack time for a while when Hikari went back to preschool. She didn’t like feeling like a baby, but she did feel a lot better after she woke up.

She didn’t always feel like running around on the playground, but Takeru always did. So he said they could compromise, which was a big word his daddy taught him, and he would jump up and down next to the bench where Hikari rested. He told her a story while he bounced.

That made even the teacher laugh. He was good at that.

Hikari really liked Takeru.

She didn’t like when he started coming in late more and more.

Or when he started crying for no reason in the middle of story time.

Or when he suddenly kicked down her block tower. But then he made a scared face and said sorry so many times she told him to shut up, which she wasn’t allowed to say, but Takeru stopped.

Hikari didn’t understand why the teacher kept telling Takeru he was doing a good job when he was getting in trouble so much now. It felt too big and wrong, but she didn’t know why.

Hikari didn’t like when one morning she got to school and Takeru was already there. He was late so much that him being early felt too different. Hikari extra didn’t like it when she saw he was already crying, and the teacher had a big pile of tissues on his desk and was sitting in a little kid chair that made her knees go all the way up to her chin. Hikari hung up her bag and tiptoed over with her hands behind her back, trying to look innocent. She didn’t know if she was allowed over there, or if they needed to be private, but when she looked like this, Daddy never got grumpy.

Takeru was always early after that.

When Hikari told Daddy that Takeru cried a lot, Daddy sighed and said some people were just ‘sensitive’, and that meant Takeru had a lot of feelings. He said to be extra nice to him the next time somebody made him cry.

When Hikari said that nobody was making Takeru cry, sometimes he cried during story time, or at snack, or when they were sorting shapes, Mommy and Daddy looked at each other and it made Hikari nervous.

They said to give him lots of hugs.

So, she did.

It worked like her vitamins. Takeru loved the hugs at first. They made him cheer up and giggle and want to play again. And then after a little while they lost their power.

Takeru was late.

Hikari missed him at morning meeting.

She missed him when it was her turn to change the weather chart.

She missed him when she didn’t have a partner to color their color wheel with.

She missed him at snack.

Takeru arrived right after they came in from the playground, hand squeezing his mama’s as tight as he could. He looked like he wanted to go home already. Hikari ran to give him a hug, but before she got there, he turned and hugged his mama’s leg instead.

Hikari didn’t like that, but Takeru was sad and Hikari didn’t always want a hug when she was sad, so it was okay. But Takeru didn’t want to let go of his mama, and when the teacher had to pick him up, Hikari’s toes curled up in her shoes and she tiptoed backward to her desk.

The teacher hugged Takeru tight herself and laid him on Hikari’s nap mat over by the reading rug, which was wrong because it was time to practice writing. And when Hikari got the courage to slip out of her chair and crawl over to him, that was bad too, because the teacher saw and didn’t make her go back to her desk.

Takeru napped all afternoon and the teacher never told Hikari to do anything.

Hikari’s heart did a funny flip-flop when Takeru woke up. All the time he was sleeping, she was practicing how to cheer him up and give him the biggest, bestest hug ever, and now it was time to show him.

Except, Takeru sat up and looked around like the room was the scariest thing he had ever seen instead of the fun, colorful room Hikari saw.

And then he burst into the biggest crying Hikari had ever seen. It was too big to be coming out of Takeru. It made Hikari want to cry too, and she wanted him to stop because it was too loud and her ears hurt and he wasn’t stopping to say sorry like he was supposed to. Everybody was looking at them and Hikari didn’t want them to, so she grabbed Takeru and tried to give him the best hug anyway in case that would work.

It didn’t.

The tighter she hugged, the louder he cried, and Hikari’s heart was going really fast when the teacher suddenly told her to let go. She scrambled back into the bookcase, a little worried she had squeezed too hard and was in trouble. But the teacher just picked Takeru up and then she was on the phone like the day Hikari went to the hospital.

Another teacher came in and told them that they got to all go out and play extra today. Almost everybody was happy about it, but her teacher was walking Takeru up and down the hallway and holding him and all his things like he was going home, so Hikari couldn’t be happy. The new teacher gave her her jacket and mittens and gave her gentle pushes to go outside when she was the only one left in the classroom. Hikari compromised. She went outside but she didn’t play. She stood at the window and watched Takeru and the teacher walk in circles around the room.

Hikari’s nose was cold from pressing it on the glass when Takeru’s mama hurried into the class, and Hikari chewed the zipper on her jacket when she saw that Takeru’s mama kind of looked like she was crying too. Takeru’s mama took Takeru and all his things, and then did something funny that meant something that Hikari didn’t really understand.

She gave the teacher a hug.

And then she turned and took Takeru out the door.

And Hikari waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And Takeru never came back.

Hikari didn’t know what divorce meant.

But she knew she didn’t like it.