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My name is The Age of Consent but everyone just calls me Age. I am a 16 year old girl in high school right now but I’m mature for my age baka!
My goal in life is to win the heart of the cutest boy in school, Chris Hansen.
I walked into school like a total cutie and I sat down next to my best friends, Kamen Rider Drive and John Rambo so that we could eat lunch together.
I was eating my favorite lunch as usual, child porn magazines with ketchup on top. Kamen Rider Drive was eating a severed limb and Rambo was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a total degenerate.
“So what I’m trying to say is that it’s impossible for anyone to totally be clean and innocent” said Kamen Rider Drive.
“Elaborate” said me.
“Well Age, one day you see a person wearing a set of clothes, that’s completely fine” said Kamen Rider Drive.
I nodded my head in approval to this
Drive continued “If the very next day they’re wearing different clothes, then that means that they were naked at one point in order to change which means that they did a lewd thing and I find that disgusting”
My mouth dropped open in shock at how right he was and Rambo was so shocked that he stopped existing in this story entirely.
I put my hand on Drive’s shoulder and said “you truly are the one who will bring us towards a better future.”
I then decided to go search for Chris Hansen-chan so I could suck on his big ol schling-schlong.
I spotted Chris Hansen eating lunch at a table with his brother, Larry the cucumber, and I decided to walk up to my crush and ask him out.
I said “Chris-chan, will you go on a date with me?”
Before Chris Hansen-sama could answer, Larry the cucumber spoke up and said “before you can date Chris Hansen, you’ll need to fight against several opponents in the arena.”
I said “alright I agree, anything for Chris Hansen”
Larry then teleported me to the arena for me to fight in.
I looked around and saw that we were in a coliseum with roaring spectators. There were three gates on the opposite of me, and each one was more heavily barricaded then the last one.
Larry the cucumber then went up to the microphone and started to announce things.
Larry yelled “Our first battle is The Age of Consent vs Buck Cluck!”
A big gate then opened up and Buck Cluck from the Martin Scorsese directed character study, Chicken Little (2005) walked forward to challenge me.
Buck Cluck pointed at me and said in a demonic voice “GUILTY.”
Buck then pulled out an alien laser gun and started shooting at me, but I managed to evade all of his shots.
I then lifted up my shirt and flashed my breasts at Buck which caused for him to feel all of the pain that he’s inflicted on innocent people and die (flashing my boobs has the same effect as Ghost Rider’s penance stare). Some faceless people wearing black then rushed in and took Buck’s body away.
Larry then yelled out “Our second battle will be The Age of Consent vs General Grievous!”
A second gate then opened up and out of it, emerged the leader of the droid army, General Grievous.
He walked towards me and said “you fool, I’ve been trained to fight by Count Dooku.”
The droid general then revealed that he actually had 4 arms and he pulled out 4 lightsabers. He then started spinning them around really fast in an attempt to chop me up.
I then pulled out a pokeball and threw out Arceus.
“Arceus, use judgment” I yelled.
Arceus just flew away without even bothering to acknowledge me.
I made a mental note to kill Arceus after this was over.
General Grievous was still coming towards me so I pulled out my collection of baseball cards and summoned Babe Ruth.
“Babe Ruth, use your delta home run attack” I declared.
Babe Ruth listened and brought his bat down on the droid leader which caused him to go flying high into the air until he landed on the sun and burned up on the sun’s surface.
Larry then yelled “the final battle will be The Age of Consent vs Kamen Rider Drive!”
The final gate then opened up and Kamen Rider Drive emerged from it.
“Kamen Rider Drive, but I thought we were supposed to be friends” I said.
He did an evil laugh and said “we were never friends, I was just getting information on you to keep you from winning the heart of Chris Hansen”
“But think of all the good times we had” I then tried to think of some good times but for some reason none came to mind.
“Could you please give me a minute” I asked.
He just punched me across the face instead, causing my face to bruise.
He then pulled out a sword with a steering wheel on it and started swinging it at me.
I managed to dodge most of his swings but he nearly managed to get me with it multiple times. Plus I was starting to get tired.
Drive then punched me in the stomach and caused me to fall to my feet.
I couldn’t believe this, I was really going to die by the hand of someone that I thought was my best friend. It seemed unreal, so I tried one last ditch effort to save myself and win Chris Hansen-kun’s heart.
I clapped both of my hands together and prayed to the great god Tommy Wiseau.
“Dear Tommy, please help me defeat Kamen Rider Drive so Chris Hansen will love me” I pleaded.
Black thunder clouds started to form in the sky, but instead of rain, a football fell from the sky and landed in my hands.
I said “thank you Tommy” and threw the football at Drive.
Since the football had been blessed by Tommy himself, that meant that it had infinite cosmic power imbued within it.
It hit Drive and it caused every cell in his body to pull apart until Drive was nothing but a puff of smoke.
I had done it! I had defeated all of the opponents that were thrown at me so I could finally claim Chris Hansen as my husbando.
Larry then pulled a switch and Chris Hansen entered into the arena.
I ran up to him and proceeded to kiss him on his face.
Chris then said to me “oh Age of Consent, I’ve loved you since the day I met you, let’s get married.”
The very next day we did just that and I gave birth to my son, Optimus Prime.